Chastised by a Mortal

All things considered, the last hour or so was… genuinely nice. Arkadin didn’t want to admit that he was enjoying both not working and spending time with a cute Skyavok, but, well, he was. He hadn’t stopped working since the 29th, he hadn’t stopped at all, not even to eat or sleep, and he had slowly begun to realize that, well, he needed this break. What was bothering Arkadin though was how… attractive his host was.

Kayel had been an absolute charm. Not only had he dragged Arkadin’s unconscious body to safety and wrapped his head up in a bandage to cover a nasty bump on the side of his head, but he’d kept Arkadin company and they’d ordered pizza, because Kayel was of the opinion that Arkadin really needed to eat. However, despite ordering from a pizza franchise down the road, the order had been rather late. In the mean time, Kayel had set up his television, sat Arkadin down on the sofa then sat a little too close next to him, and they’d watched some old arena stuff together. Mostly matches that Kayel had fought in.

Arkadin though started to get a little suspicious when Kayel put on a match between Xeno Dessaron One and the Temthans of Anarchy. Their first match. One that was clearly cut short.

“What happened next?” Arkadin asked as the match ended rather abruptly.

“What do you mean?” Kayel asked playfully. “You don’t remember?”

“No.”

“Uh…”

“I don’t remember anything that happened since June last year.”

Kayel stared at Arkadin and blinked. “Fucking really? What the fuck did the other gods do to you? You don’t…” Kayel fell silent, then grabbed the remote. “I’m fucking playing something about what happened after that match. It’s fucking stupid that you don’t remember you and Sini tag-teaming to stop that Kinisis bitch and the fact that I used a shadow portal to cut her head off! Do you remember anything at all?”

Arkadin stuttered, then stopped talking completely, burying his head in his hands. “No.”

“You don’t remember getting us to help you kill some Corruption in January?”

“No.”

“You don’t remember getting a tiny infection of Corruption and Epani wanting to replace you with Phovos?”

“No.”

“You don’t remember chilling out and having food with us?”

“No.”

“You don’t remember that Kinisis Corruption thingy attacking Kairos, stabbing Epani and us helping you kill it?”

“No.”

“You don’t remember dating Kuta?”

Arkadin blinked. “Who is Kuta?”

“The weird shadowjumping telepathic Rethan with fangs that knew you from before this universe and is now dating and pegging Retvik?” Kayel explained. “Actually, I take that last bit back. Rethans and Skyans can’t peg each other since we’re intersex. It’s just normal sex, and pegging implies it’s a female wearing a strap-on fucking a male in the asshole. Which we lack.”

Arkadin blinked some more.

“Was that too much information?”

“Uh… No. Just weird that you know the specifics.”

Kayel shrugged. “We live in a universe with twelve distinct species, all of which have sex in some way. Us Skyavok understand that, occasionally, some of those species are going to occasionally have sex with each other, and we teach our kids how to do so safely. And that does involve explaining different terms. It’s awkward, but it’s better than not knowing at all.”

“And… you are telling me I dated a Rethan? One who can shadowjump?”

“Yep!” Kayel nodded. “You also considered dating Retvik at one point but didn’t want to get him into trouble because of the stupid bloodline stuff. Which you managed to end because Epani caused earthquakes in Rethan and Lanex territories and the Lanex decided to join the Whenvern’s alliance and the Rethans joined our silly little union…” Kayel paused, then continued with more questions he already knew the answer to. “So you don’t remember being given fake nightmares about Kuta dying and having to disappear?”

“No…”

“And you don’t remember the time spent being a cat so you could do stuff in secret?”

“No.”

“And you don’t remember saving mine and Teekay’s asses from the Target, alongside the Shadow?”

“No…” Arakdin sighed. “I ought to go and speak to Elkay. We haven’t chatted in a while. In over a year, clearly.”

“I take it you definitely don’t remember locking Epani in some sort of box as revenge for her making you ‘go cold’ because she decided to hurt you rather than talk to you about her not liking you having a boyfriend, even though the Allbirther fucks mortals all the time and Kairos dated Phovos for a bit?”

“I… I definitely don’t remember that! Also… Kairos was dating Phovos? I… I need to-” Arkadin tried to get up, but, yet again, Kayel forced him to remain seated. “Alright, what the fuck is going on? Why are you stopping me from leaving?”

Kayel hesitated. “You want the semi-answer, the actual answer, the honest answer or the really, really honest answer?”

“Uh, the really honest answer.”

“Well, alright!” Kayel smiled, but he wasn’t as perky as he was before. “So, uh, I’ll be blunt, the Allbirther kinda set me up to do this. I don’t know how you ended up outside, apparently one of the other gods attacked you. But she asked me to find a way to make you open up and stop being Epani’s bitch. But at the same time, I’m struggling to make new Skyan friends, and we got on really well back when you weren’t mind-raped and before you became Epani’s bitch again. I want to be your friend. And I kinda want to date you. And maybe have sex with you at some point, if you want.”

“But… I’m the god of death, I don’t… deserve friends or partnerships.”

“Mate, if the fucking Whenvern can have a girlfriend, so can you!”

“That’s di-”

“It’s NOT!” Kayel suddenly shouted. “It’s not different in the fucking slightest! Kairos enables forward-flowing time, and you are just the conclusion of that happening! If the cunt who makes all things happen can try and stick his stupid dragon dick into a vicious psychotic semi-immortal warlord, then you can spend some time here having pizza with some dude who used to teach kids about sex education and now punches people for a living.”

“What about Epani though?”

“Fuck her. She made you break up with Kuta and told you to never see them again. Thankfully, Kuta didn’t take the break up too badly, and they’re dating Retvik now, but still! You’re a god! You deserve the same basic rights and affection that mortals get!”

Arkadin sighed, then climbed to his feet. He didn’t let Kayel try and pull him back this time. “I get that, but-”

“But what? What bullshit enslaved excuse do you have this time? You have less rights than a Torr in a debtor’s prison.”

“I have work to do.”

“So do the other gods. But Kairos still had time to go to a Rethan noodle bar and get his ass dumped by the Raptor…” Kayel sighed as well. “Alright, I’m sorry. I just threw a LOT at you. And I get that you’re a god and you have to do stuff. But can you… can you make a promise to me? Will you finish your work, and then, maybe come back here and we can talk some more? Because I like you and I don’t like that you’re a slave to a horrible person who has no qualms in working you to death.”

“You… you seem to know too much.”

“It’s what Allbirther Sini told me. You just work and work and work because Epani tells you to and you don’t know how to say no to her.”

Arkadin rubbed his head. There was still a sore spot. After some thought though, he relented. “Alright. Fine. I promise I’ll come back. I don’t know when, but I’ll try.”

Kayel went back to smiling. He rushed over to his desk, grabbed a contact card and gave it to Arkadin. “Awesome! Pop me a message when you want to come over! I’ll get more drinks and snacks and we can just chill!”

The Thantophor smiled weakly, then bowed. “Thank you, Kayel. Have a good day…”

With that, Arkadin made his way to the front door, opened it, and left like a normal person. Once the coast was clear, Kayel took a deep breath, then sat back down.

“I hope you keep your promise, mate. Because otherwise, you’ll never break free.”