While the deities all had homes scattered across the universe, Epani had specifically laid claim to the universe’s absolute centre, where she’d built a vast fortress with diamond walls and a complicated security system, complete with a moat filled with acid. There was only one way into the crystalline castle, and that was via a drawbridge and a colossal, lead-lined gate. The drawbridge was always lowered, but the only way to get the gate to open was to use a passphrase, which Epani changed at random, and would only send out to her fellow deities via a special hyperlink that would expire ten minutes after opening, and needed to be learned in its fullest.
That would be fine and all, but there was another problem. The passphrase had to be sung. And Arkay was known to be rather tuneless. And as far as Arkay was aware, these words were always just some sort of gibberish that Epani like the sound of.
“Oull Ra Kris, Rih Kah Ris, Va Kier Voour Nah. Shoh Ta Ra. Va Keiv Lou Ra. Kiv Mi Vis. Ra Ee Lyou. Ris Rah Ka Ris. Shoh Ta Ra.”
Thankfully, for the first time, Arkay found he didn’t have to repeat himself. This week’s random passphrase was particularly long and annoying, and he was actually surprised that he’d nailed it on his first attempt.
As the door clunked upwards, it revealed a jet black passageway, lit up by tiny, shimmering fairy lights. Arkay picked up the pace as he headed down the hall, which had no turns or anything in it, it led straight into a vast, shimmering chamber that was far brighter than the rest of the fortress. Already waiting for him were his fellow deities, each sitting on their own custom throne. Sini’s pink and green quartz throne was covered in flowering vines, Kairos perched upon a pile of silver and sapphire cushions, while Epani’s golden throne towered over them, laced with red velvet and rubies. Arkay climbed into his own seat, a rather basic black bean bag, but a rather large one. After all, Arkay was a small, humble deity, but he did need to be able to see what was going on at the table.
“You took your time!” Epani hissed, eyeing Arkay angrily.
“Nice to see you, Epani. How are you? Do you remember that entity you desperately wanted me to deal with before I came here? No? These things can take time, you know.” Arkay tutted, then turned to Sini and Kairos, smiling. “Hey guys, how are you all?”
Kairos lowered his head, smiling back. “I am well. Time is flowing as it should, haven’t had anyone trying to make any time machines, things are good for once.”
Sini had been slumped forward and had looked rather glum, but the appearance of her little brother suddenly made Sini very happy. “Arkay! It’s good to see you! We need to hang out more!”
“Good to see you too, Sini. And good to hear that things are actually alright, Kairos!” Arkay remained chirpy. The last few months had been a little bit hectic, with a lot more outside interference than normal, and they were all somewhat on edge. The most recent appearance of a Voidborn that had nearly ripped most of the gods from their own universe had made Epani in particular rather uneasy. “So what did you guys want to discuss?”
“I was under the impression you wanted to discuss mortal affairs?” Kairos asked Arkay directly. “You have been a lot more active in the mortal domain lately.”
“Yeah, I did, but that was just something small that I wanted to ask Epani, then Epani called this meeting and, since she wanted it here, I thought it was about something important.”
Epani growled as she chucked a folder across the table towards Arkay. Arkay ignored Epani’s scowls and quickly scanned through the folder.
“Hm… So, despite the 400% increase in anomalies and things attacking the universe, we’ve only had a handful of dangerous incidents? Three since Novem last year? That’s not bad, all things considered, and two of those things could have been avoided had you not been keeping me on a super tight leash and you had actually listened to me and NOT followed me when I went to deal with that Voidborn!”
Kairos shrugged. “He does have a point, Epani. Arkay DID tell us to not follow him, and we all did and we did get immediately thrown out of-”
“THOSE ARE THREE INCIDENTS TOO MANY!” Epani roared. The room briefly shook with her anger. “YOU NEED TO DO BETTER, LITTLE THANTOPHOR!”
Arkay didn’t move. Instead, he pushed the file to one side and leaned forward. “You know this universe goes in cycles. Every two thousand five hundred years, we get these big flair-ups. I can’t control what happens outside this universe, I can only stop and kill whatever breaks in, there’s only so much I can do.”
Sini nodded in agreement. “The protection of this universe falls on all of us, and we’ve been slacking. Well, I’ll be honest, there isn’t much I can do, but I could work out a way to do more. And you and Kairos could do more patrols, yes, Epani?”
Epani continued to hiss. “We would not need to do extra patrols if Arkay was not wasting his time messing with his little mortals!”
“Are you really blaming four random unlucky mortals for what happened with the Kinisis Corruption?” It was Arkay’s turn to be angry, and he felt justified in his feelings. “My fucking friends fucking helped us there, and what did you do? Rather than simply saying “Arkay, stab her in the heart with your blood”, you fucking stabbed her through me! All THREE of these incidents happened because of YOU, Epani!”
The other deities all fell silent.
“Did you just-”
“Blame you, Epani? Yes. You don’t just want me to be your death god, you want me to be your guard dog. You even keep me on a leash. But I’m sick of it. You want to keep this universe safer, you need to start doing patrols too, you need to learn how to deal with these problems, without constantly pinning them on me. Understand?”
The Panelix stuttered, then fell back into her seat, falling silent. Arkay leaned back in his chair, smiling again.
“Anyway, the thing I wanted to talk about, funnily enough, it mostly involves Epani. I’ve had a LOT of prayers from Rethavok lately, and a direct request from some of them to assist in political matt-”
“No.”
Arkay tutted. “If you’d let me finish, I was going to ask you if you wanted me to just pass this information on to you, or if you wanted any help with anything. I know mortal stufff bores you, so I’m happy to help.”
Epani glanced at her siblings, then sighed. “I do not want you stepping in. The Rethavok belong to me. And I very much dislike it when you take their form.”
“Oh fuck off!” Sini flicked a globule of slime at Epani. “You take the form of a Temthan with an angler lure on your head and you don’t see me bitching! Plus, you don’t exactly treat your races the best. You keep the Lanex and the Rethavok underneath the Torr’s heels because you don’t like them as much as you like the Torr. If the Rethavok are asking Arkay of all beings to help them, then you’re doing something wrong.”
Epani deflated in her seat. “You are all picking on me.”
“No, we’re not!” Kairos shook his head. “You’re making mistakes. Sini is absolutely right, your races are suffering.”
“Even the Banikans are doing better, and they are massive, horned monsters!” Sini smiled. “Epani, you need to sort yourself out. And you need to sort your mortal races out.”
“And we’re willing to help with sorting those things out!” Arkay smiled too.
“You’d do that for me?” Epani almost whimpered.
Arkay nodded. “Of course. If you need help, we’ll help. We’re in this universe together, right?”
The Panelix sighed, then got up and silently left, disappearing in a puff of smoke.
The other deities all glanced at each other.
“Is she alright?” Arkay blinked in confusion. “I know I kinda shouted at her a bit but I wasn’t too mean, was I?”
Sini shrugged, but Kairos seemed concerned.
“Nah, she deserved it!” the Allbirther stretched herself out in her seat, swishing her tail from side to side.
Arkay was unconvinced. “Still, she’s not… normally like that. Heck, she’s been acting weird since before the whole Kinisis-Corruption thing.”
“I’ll… go talk to her…” Kairos grunted, picking himself up and making his way to the door. “I’ll leave you two to it.”