Litvir stared at the ceiling, absent-mindedly trying to sift through the vast amount of thoughts rushing through his head. He was lying in a large, luxurious bed, covered in soft, velvet pillows, completely nude aside from his natural plating and a thin, silky wrap covering his waist, the only thing keeping him vaguely decent.
This wasn’t Litvir’s room. He was lying on Retvik’s bed, resting in his room, after having been invited in. By Retvik. They were finally going to relax and have some fun, but Retvik had been called away briefly. However, the more Litvir laid there, lost in his own thoughts, the more awkward he felt.
A knock on the door snapped Litvir back to reality. Retvik had returned, stepping into the room with that soft, warm glow of his. He smiled at Litvir, then started taking off his own armour. Once he had done stripping though, Retvik turned back to Litvir, noticing the distracted look on Litvir’s face.
“Is something wrong, Litvir?”
Litvir sighed, straightening himself up and pulling the silk wrap over himself.
“I do not want to do this.”
“Oh.”
Retvik stood still at first, then slowly made his way over to the edge of the bed, sitting down calmly.
“Why not? Have I done something wrong?”
“No…” Litvir shook his head, then laid back down, sighing. “No, no, it is nothing to do with you. This is all on me. I do not feel that I deserve any love right now.”
“Oh? Why is that?” Retvik asked, running his hand along the bed sheet, closer to Litvir’s leg. Litvir instinctively pulled away, huddling up on the opposite side of the bed. Realising that Litvir was genuinely feeling uncomfortable, Retvik got back up, picked up Litvir’s armour off a nearby stool and handed it all back to Litvir. With a sigh, he then started putting his own armour back on.
“Sorry…”
“Do not be sorry,” Retvik smiled. “Saying no is healthy. But I am curious as to why you want to stop. Something is clearly on your mind and it is genuinely bothering you.”
Litvir grunted as he reattached his plating. He took it slowly, attaching one part at a time. Really, Litvir felt rather upset with himself. Here he was, sitting here, half naked with literally the sexiest Rethan ever. But…
“I do not deserve any of this…”
“What do you mean?”
“I am not worthy of being here.”
Retvik paused, looked Litvir up and down and sighed. “I will not push you if you do not want to, but I think you need to spill your guts and straight out say what is bothering you. Because you look miserable. You seemed so happy earlier, and now you look like you might cry.”
“Is that bad?”
“Nothing wrong with crying. But you should not bottle up your emotions either. We are still bonded together, we still feel each other’s emotions. You need to talk.”
Litvir sniffed, then curled up into a ball. He wanted to cry but found he couldn’t. After a few awkward sobs, Litvir sat up straight again, shifting forward so he was sitting properly next to Retvik.
“I do not want to admit what I did in the past. Because I did some genuinely awful things. Really, it is hypocritical that we all called the Thantophor a monster. He was just doing a job that no one else wanted to do. I was a genuinely evil being with one single goal in mind. Immortality.
“At least, that is how I phrased it. As far as I was concerned, immortality was the main goal. But I allowed the end goal to justify not just my means and methods, but everything else I did. Literally everything. And I did some genuinely horrible things…”
Retvik shrugged. “I am very much aware of your corrupted past. You dragged me into it. Despite that, we agreed to put our pasts behind us.”
“Just because we agreed to put our pasts behind us, does not mean that my past does not affect me, Retvik…” Litvir closed his eyes. “I hurt… I tortured a lot of beings. Innocent ones who had powers they could not control. I stole their lives, their innocence, everything… Yet here I am, sitting here with you, in a place I do not deserve to be in.”
“You and I are here for the exact same reason, and it has nothing to do with our pasts…” Retvik tried to soothe Litvir’s emotions by putting an arm around him, but Litvir shook him off. Retvik continued his words regardless. “We are here for three reasons: firstly, we were made into demigods by the Whenvern in order to battle the Voidborn armies. Secondly, we were among the very small number of beings capable of not being driven insane by the experience. Thirdly, we worked our way up the Decayling ranks to become Decay Lords. All of this has nothing to do with the mortal lives we left behind.”
“I feel like you do not understand me, Retvik!” Litvir snapped. “I have sinned and I must atone for my sins!”
“Did you not atone for them when Trismit and I killed you, and Kenon forced you to work for him?”
Litvir closed his eyes, grunting. “No. One swift death that I somehow survived does not atone for the beings whose lives I made a living hell.”
“Hm. You sound a lot like Arkay right now. Maybe you should take a note out of his book?”
After a moment, Litvir opened his eyes again and looked up at Retvik. “What do you mean?”
“You cannot change the past. You did horrible things, yes. But atonement can be done constructively or destructively. Instead of taking things away from yourself, you should be focusing on giving back to others.”
“That… that makes sense…” Litvir sighed, then stood up. “I am sorry for wasting your time.”
“No problem…” Retvik shrugged. “Just try to take it easy, and try not to be too hard on yourself. You have already completed the first step of acknowledging your past. We can, and will improve going forward.”
“Thank you…” Litvir muttered as he left the room. “I guess I shall see you later.”