“While we wait for Letharus to return, how’s the wife, Kuta?”
Kuta rubbed their eyes, then grunted. They had been drinking and playing games with their brother Litvir and their two telepathic lunatic allies Letharus and Thyel. All of them were drunk, but Kuta was more drunk than normal and was definitely not used to it. They were also pretty sure they had picked up the odd thought that both Thyel and Letharus wanted to sleep with them, but Kuta had been burying those thoughts with more alcohol. They were all too drunk to consent to anything. Or really do much more apart from play stupid games and say silly things.
“Wife?” Kuta asked. “I do not… Oh… You mean…”
“Your partner!” Thyel grinned. He’d been winning most of the card games, but only after he’d had his tail handed to him in Cards Against Existence and Quiplash. “We all have a Retvik of some sort. Granted, mine isn’t a… what are you lot called?”
“Rethavok.”
“Yeah. That.”
“You inseminated her yet?” Litvir piped up, before gulping down a bottle of something fruity and alcoholic. “You were going to put kids in that Vret person.”
Thyel’s grin faded. “I… uh… it’s complicated.”
“Always is!” Litvir tutted.
“Well… courting between Beh’ens ain’t as easy as it is for you Rethavok. Before you invited me to whatever the fuck this mess is, I was in the middle of converting my home into a space suitable to become a Warmth. Which means I… I’m kinda homeless right now. Well, not homeless, but I moved all my stuff either into my ship or into our shared Venta HQ space, and Zephyr took some stuff as well… It’s awkward. I didn’t think that building a Warmth would be so complicated. And, well, my home is now slowly turning into a flesh fortress and… eugh…”
“Flesh fortress?” Kuta muttered.
“Yes. A fortress made out of flesh…” Thyel sighed. “After all, my kids need to be well-protected, and I… I’ll be allowed inside the Warmth to do the… inseminating, as Litvir put it, but once the kids start being produced… I don’t really know what happens after that.”
“What happens after what?” Letharus asked as he sat back down, bringing back more bottles of alcohol. This time round, he had brought another round of alcopops, carbonated fruity vodka drinks. There were eight drinks in total, all a different colour.
“Vret and I are building a Warmth and it’s… I’m… I don’t know what’s going on. Having kids is fucking weird. And I haven’t even done the fucking to create the kids yet.”
Kuta shrugged. “Kids are difficult. I am still trying to work out the logistics myself. And unfortunately, that means I need to speak to… some sort of medical expert.”
“How comes?” Thyel was curious. He glugged one of the alcopops down in one, then leaned forward and stared at Kuta. “Didn’t know you were capable of having kids. You and Ret are the same species then, 100%?”
“Well…” Kuta hesitated. “I am not 100% sure. I am technically both a new-universe Rethavok and an old-universe Rethavok. But also… well, Ret and I only got out of our universe just over a year-string ago. We were considered normal, mortal, intrauniversal beings and… well, I… I have an IUD.”
“A what?” Thyel looked confused.
“An intrauterine device?” Letharus butted in. “You can get those?”
“I need mine removed!” Kuta tutted. “I cannot get egg-ridden if I have an IUD. Ret and I wish to both have a kid at the same time. And as far as I know, the only person who can safely remove the damn thing is a not-particularly nice Life Goddess.”
Letharus tutted back. “Well, I want one. I do not know if Vick and I are compatible and I do not want to find out.”
“Are condoms not an option?” Litvir asked. “Admittedly, us Thantir get through a lot of condoms because everyone is always fucking everyone else. We are all mostly from the same couple of universes though so maybe that is why. I blame the Skyans though, they are insatiable monsters sometimes.”
Kuta leaned forward. “How do you know that, dear brother? Have you slept with a Skyavok?”
“That is a very accusatory tone for someone who has also slept with Arkay!”
“Arkay is not a Skyavok.”
“He is Skyavok-shaped. And Threan-type Retha are basically proto-Skyavok anyway!” Litvir hissed. “And why are you being accusatory towards me when our fellow old-universe Rethan Elkay fucking MARRIED a Skyavok?”
Kuta tutted some more. “Sounds weird, coming from you. But yes, I need that IUD removed. I only really got the IUD because the menstruation cycle, while it is bloodless for us, it does make me feel suicidal at its peak. And… well, I have always had errant memories of my slave-based childhood. Did not want to risk a repeat of… what happened the first time I killed. I could not risk pregnancies back then.”
“Can I have it, please?” Letharus joked. “Because I do not want kids but it turns out that sex is a lot of fun when it is with someone I love and trust, and not forced and almost certainly rape like it was when I was a Voidborn slave… That reminds me, I owe Retvik something nice for killing Rethanius for me. Never got around to doing that. Not that I know what I could even get him as a worthwhile thank you gift for ending the life of the person who haunted my nightmares for decades…”
Letharus trailed off, noticing that the mood had gone weird. Kuta and Litvir were also somewhat silent.
“Bloody Void, you three, do I need to take you all to a psychiatrist or something?” Thyel eventually muttered. “Or is all this because we’re all plastered?”
“I… I think it depends on what we drink…” Litvir hesitantly replied. “Maybe we should stick to mead or something.”
“We have lots of mead!” Letharus perked up. “I think I prefer that anyway. Do you want me to get some?”
“Yes, please!” Kuta also smiled. “Also, I want to play more Cards Against Existence. This game of poker is stupid. We all keep on cheating.”
“Haha! Sure thing!” Letharus beamed. “Back in a moment, folks!”