Things had finally settled down on the Shimmering Blade, and the last few days had been spent with constant Phantai patrols, wiping out any remaining Voidborn ships. In fact, today, not a single Voidborn vessel had been seen across the entirety of the sector. However, the Thantir though were all relaxing and doing precisely nothing. Since Retvik was still recovering from essentially accidentally blowing himself up, Litvir had gone ahead and given every member of the Thantir a week off and a free pass to do whatever they wanted, within reason. While all six of Kal had decided to just work as normal, everyone else had been relaxing.
Currently, Litvir was sitting in the corner of the Phantai’s main canteen with several of the Thantir Decaylings. Eksi, Akah, Tenuk and Elksia had all accepted Litvir’s invite to play a quick card game with him. Teekay and Elkay were both busy having personal time and Tahvra didn’t really understand the concept of card games, so Phovos was currently playing action figures with him, since she knew exactly what game they were playing and didn’t want to join in.
Why did Litvir want to play a card game? Well, he didn’t have much else to do, and he didn’t want to bother Retvik while he slept. But Litvir also had a weird desire to have an alcoholic drink, something he rarely did, and he didn’t want to drink alone. The card game was to add to the experience.
The game in question was Cards Against Existence. It was a popular game back in most of the Thantir’s old universe, and Litvir often wondered if it was still popular in the universe that had replaced his own universe.
“So, have you all played before?” Litvir asked as he started shuffling a small pile of black cards. Sitting to his right was Eksi, Akah sat to Litvir’s left, and with Tenuk and Elksia sitting opposite. The centre of the table was empty, but there were already quite a few bottles and glasses scattered around. Litvir was drinking mead, but Eksi, Tenuk and Elksia were going hard on the alcopops. Akah had decided to stop drinking after he accidentally froze his last four drinks solid, but that was a couple of days ago and he wasn’t in the mood to start drinking again.
“Played what?”
That voice didn’t belong to any of the Decaylings. Everyone looked up to see a familiar face standing over the table.
“Heya, Vikalos!” Elksia beamed. “We’re playing Cards Against Existence! You wanna join us?”
“May I join you?” Vikalos asked. “I do not want to intrude if this is a private thing.”
“Of course!” Litvir smiled. “Six is a nice, good number for this game anyway. I can explain the rules for you, they are pretty simple. However, I must warn you, this is a very stupid game, it is full of references to R-rated material and our old universe, so you may not get some of the jokes that may ensue.”
Vikalos hesitated, then sat down next to Elksia. “That is not a problem. I am sure I will find some amusement here.”
“Oh, you’ll be fine!” Eksi grinned. He was definitely drunk, and had been drunk for a while. “I do have a ton of questions though! Like, where are Galyn and Itaviir?”
“Uh…” More hesitation. Vikalos hiccuped, silently admitting that he was slightly tipsy too, but he also seemed rather tired. “I, uh, convinced them both to sleep with each other, then decided I was not in the mood myself and decided to leave them to it. It seems that vast amounts of alcohol seems to break the, uh, telepathic… thingy… that was making them both cold.”
“Is that a problem?” Eksi had more questions.
“No, not at all. I am glad that they are finally spending time together again… I am honestly a bit too drunk and unable to orientate myself right now…” Vikalos trailed off and turned to Litvir. “So, what is this game and how do we play it?”
Litvir stopped shuffling the black cards and started shuffling a massive pile of white cards, showing off by doing it with his telekinesis. Once he had finished, Litvir put the cards back, then started drawing cards and handing them out to everyone, seven cards each, all face down. After that, Litvir drew a single black card and turned it over, revealing an unfinished sentence.
“Alright, the game is very simple. One player, the Card Ksa, draws a black card and reads out the sentence. Every other player must select one of their white cards in order to complete the sentence and place it face down in front of the Card Ksa. The Card Ksa then reads out the sentence and the cards that everyone has played, and has to pick the white card that amuses them the most. The winner keeps the black card, and the role of Card Ksa passes on to the player on their left. The overall winner is whoever gets the most black cards. As a house rule, once you have laid down a white card, you cannot pick it back up or change it. Any questions?”
Elksia raised her hand. “Yeah, I got one, Litty!”
“What is it, dear?”
Elksia blinked, not expecting Litvir to accept her nickname for him. “Uh… ah yeah. Where did you get this game and why is it the Skyavok edition and not the Rethavok edition?”
Litvir shrugged. “I do not actually know where I got my copy from, it was among the ten possessions that were found on my person when I was picked up as a Decayling, and, alongside four of those ten items, I do not know why I had them. As for why I own the Skyavok edition, the answer to that is quite simple: there IS no Rethavok edition.”
“Why not?” Akah asked. “I mean, there wasn’t a Lanex edition either but we were too busy being slaves and rebuilding our society to get copies made.”
“Again, the answer is simple: Rethavok are not funny.”
“But you exist!” Tenuk teased, then abruptly trailed off. “Oh. Did we… play this before, when we were Divine Guardians? After we got attacked by that weird snake Life Goddess?”
Litvir nodded. “We did. And while your joke is amusing, try not to go too hard, Tenuk. After all, you won easily last time, and Vikalos is new to the game.”
Tenuk glanced at Vikalos, then smirked.
“Shall we get started then?”
Everyone nodded. Litvir sipped his drink, then took the role of Card Ksa. He turned over the first black card, then read out the sentence. “The first card is: Loving you is easy ’cause you’re… Please fill in the blank.”
The others all picked up their cards. Tenuk and Eksi were already snickering, but Vikalos was going through his cards very carefully. After a few moments, five white cards were placed down in front of Litvir. Litvir quickly shuffled them so he didn’t know who placed what, then turned them all over and read them out.
“Loving you is easy ’cause you’re… Frickin’ undead… Licking things to claim them as your own… A cooler full of organs…” Litvir snickered at that one. “… The Big Bang… and A hot mess…”
Tenuk, Elksia and Eksi all giggled at the last one, and Litvir found it pretty funny too, letting out a small laugh. Vikalos seemed slightly confused, but Akah remained somewhat still.
“Which of you played “A hot mess”?”
Akah slowly raised his hand. Litvir snickered again, then handed the black card to Akah. “Well done, you win the first round…” Litvir handed a new white card to everyone, then drew a new black card and pushed it to Akah. “You are also now Card Ksa.”
“Oh no…” Akah was rather concerned now as he the new black card over and read it out. “Uuh… Dude, this is bullshit! Fuck… blank…”
Tenuk immediately slammed a card down, and Elksia quickly laid a card down too. Litvir rifled through his own cards then laid one down, followed by Eksi and Vikalos. Just like Litvir had, Akah shuffled the cards before turning them over.
“Dude, this is bullshit…” Akah read with a bit more confidence, letting out some small giggles before he had even started reading them out. “Fuck… Hipsters… Fuck shapeshifters… that one is definitely true… Fuck shutting the fuck up… Fuck crippling debt… Fuck all… Fuck all these decorative pillows…” Akah read all the cards again, then smiled and picked the Shapeshifters card. Tenuk tutted, but everyone else laughed. “Who played this?”
Eksi giggled then snatched the black card from Akah. Litvir gathered all the white cards up and handed out new ones, then gave Vikalos a black card to read from.
“Hmph. This game gets R-rated very quickly…” Vikalos muttered as he read the card silently first, before showing it to everyone. “Help, doctor, I have… blank… stuck up my butt…”
Multiple white cards were very swiftly placed in front of Vikalos, and only Akah seemed to be slow to play. Vikalos awkwardly turned every card over, then blinked, glad that his fur hid the fact that he was blushing.
“Help, doctor, I have… A large metal pole stuck up my butt… A salty surprise up my butt… A dollop of sour cream up my butt… Teaching a robot to love up my butt… Sperm whales up my butt…”
Vikalos glanced up. Everyone else was laughing, and both Eksi and Elksia were trying to hide tears. Admittedly, the answers were all very funny, and Vikalos did allow himself to laugh. It was quite hard to pick a winner, but he eventually pointed at the “a salty surprise” card.
“Which of you little bastards played this one?” Vikalos asked.
Akah raised his hand again, using his other hand to lift up his mask and wipe away a tear.
“Fuck you. Well done…” Vikalos tutted as he handed Akah the black card.
Everything was tidied up, and the next black card was handed to Elksia. She immediately read out the prompt. “What’s that sound?”
This round, the white cards took a little bit longer to be played. Once everyone had placed a card, Elksia turned them all over.
“What’s that sound? A fat, sad Thraki with no friends… Inappropriate yodelling… Ghosts… A really horny Kronospast… hah what’s new there…” Elksia paused and giggled, then giggled some more as she read the last card. “Having sex on top of a pizza… HAH I think we’ve actually done that! Who played that card?”
“I played that card to get rid of it…” Litvir admitted. “Did not think it would be… true.”
Elksia continued to giggle as she handed the card to Litvir. The cards were sorted out and Tenuk was handed a black card, which he immediately turned over and read.
“I drink to forget… fill in the blank.”
Five cards were VERY swiftly placed. Tenuk turned the first one over and instantly grinned, before turning over the other cards.
“Hah, I drink to forget… An annoyingly sexy death god… The Kronospast army… The All-Ksa’s attempts to seduce you… Waking up half naked outside an ice cream parlour… Pictures of cocks… Fuck me, you all went hard here! Like, all of those are scarily accurate! I think the only one that isn’t true is the All-Ksa attempting to seduce me!”
“Who is the All-Ksa?” Vikalos asked innocently.
“Uh… he was the leader of the Skyavok…” Eksi explained with a very awkward tone in his voice. “He was a prostitute before he became the All-Ksa… Also he was my mum…”
“Hmph. Was he a good leader, at least?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
Tenuk smiled, then pointed at the death god card. “Who played that one?”
“I did!” Elksia beamed as she grabbed the black card. “Because it’s true!”
They moved on to the next round, and Eksi was now Card Ksa. He turned over a new black card and read it out. “Mixing blank and blank together is so hot right now… Oooh, a two-card round! So you all gotta play two cards!”
This time, everyone took longer to play. Yet again, Vikalos was the last to put down two cards, but he looked rather uncertain. Eksi telekinetically shuffled the pairs of cards he had been given, then turned them all over.
“Mixing Puppies and Too Many Boxes together is so hot right now… Mixing Racism and The Void Lord together is so hot right now… Mixing Tripping Balls and ALL THE DRUGS is so hot right now…” Eksi was clearly stifling laughter as he read all of these out. “Mixing The Clitoris and A Hunky Vrekan Gladiator is so hot right now…” Eksi abruptly paused and desperately tried to stifle his laughter so he could read out the last two cards. “Mixing… That Uptight K-Class Ksa Guy and… The High General of the Retha… is… so hot right now… Holy fuck…”
Everyone burst out laughing, apart from Vikalos, who clearly didn’t seem to understand what was so funny. Even Litvir was wiping tears from his eyes, and Elksia was crying so hard she was struggling to breathe. Eventually, Eksi regained his composure enough to speak again.
“Who the fuck played those last two cards so fucking perfectly?”
“Uh… I did…” Vikalos replied. “I… I do not get why it is so funny though…”
Eksi collapsed into laughter again, unable to talk as he pushed the black card towards Vikalos.
“Those two cards are about Teekay and Elkay!” Litvir tried to explain as he took a deep breath to calm down. “Teekay is the former K-Class Ksa, and Elkay is a former High General of the Retha!”
“Oh…” Vikalos snickered, for the first time that evening. “That is actually pretty funny…”
Tenuk threw his cards down, still laughing and crying. “I submit! Vikalos wins, ain’t nothing beating that!”