Dear Retvik,
No, that’s too… no. Don’t like that. Can I really start a letter to him like that?
To Retvik,
I’m writing this letter to to explain myself and apologize to you.
No, too formal.
Dearest Retvik,
I want to apologize to you for what I did. I was wrong completely in the wrong. I was inconsiderate. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I am sorry.
Still doesn’t sound right. I’m normally good at apologizing.
Dearest Retvik,
I’m sorry for what I did and what I said. I didn’t mean any of it. That was Arkidetelos talking, not me. I love you, I always have done. I really hope you can
No. No no no. That’s… that’s shifting the blame. I was the one who let Arkidetelos take over. It’s all my fault. I did this to Retvik. I did this to myself.
WHY CAN’T I DO THIS? WHY WHY HWY HWYYHHW WHY WHY?
Dear Retvik,
I wanted to apologize for what I did. I let Arkidetelos out. I am Arkidetelos. No I’m not. YES I AM I AM THAT MONSTER WE ARE ONE AND THE SAME
No please stop. I’m not Arkidetelos. I am his prison. His death.
Dearest Retvik,
I love you. I am sorry for what I did. I should not have threatened you. I should not have killed her. But she was forcing me to. I didn’t want to make a universe with her. I didn’t want to do it, I overreacted, let the pain inside me take over. That’s no excuse. I shouldn’t have even touched her. Shouldn’t have even accepted the job.
Fuck, if I’d known it’d have ended like this, I wouldn’t have let you convince me to take the job offer.
No. NO. I’m just shifting the blame. Making it sound like it’s his fault.
It’s my fault. Always was.
Dear Retvik,
I’m lost, I’m a ghost, this possessed, taken host. My hunger burns…
Can’t concentrate. Why can’t I just write a letter?
Because I don’t even deserve this pen and paper. Had to beg Galyn for it when he came to feed me. Damn, I’m such a pathetic little animal. Caged beast, waiting to be sedated. Yeah sure they’ll take me away and numb my emotions and make me a better person. But it’s terrifying. But I get it. I need to be fixed. I need to not be an animal.
Not that it’ll help. I might not see them again.
Dear Retvik,
Dear Retvik.
Retvik.
Who am I kidding? He’ll never speak to me again. I fucked up. I have always been a little monster. And I ruined what could have been a good thing. I made him sad. I hurt him.
Face it, Arkay. You never deserved him.
Dear Retvik,
I’m no good. I’m no good I’m no good.
Come on, Arkay, focus.
Dear Retvik,
I hope you’re doing alright. I wanted to apoligise apologiss apolo say sorry for what I did
Fuck.
You know what hurts most? Kenon was right. I’m not meant to have relationships. Or friends. Or anything.
No. Kenon was wrong. I do. But I just… can’t seem to do it right. Why is this all so damn hard?
Dear Retvik,
I…
Maybe I just shouldn’t bother. I can’t do this. Why can’t I do this? It’s an apology. He won’t even read it though. Probably won’t even ever talk to me ever again.
No. He deserves an apology. No matter what. I owe him that at least.
Dear Retvik,
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You always deserved better.
I’ll never forgive myself for what I did to you. I’ll understand if you don’t forgive me either.
Love you always,
Arkay