Why do I feel like this? My existence isn’t that bad right now, but I just… I just don’t want to be here. I feel utterly empty and miserable. As if I have no meaning what so ever, except to serve others. I’m exhausted all the time and barely even have the strength to do the things I like to do.
What makes this worse is that everything is constantly strewn with tiny little speed bumps. I can’t just do a task, finish it quickly and cleanly. I have to make a billion mistakes along the way. Absolutely nothing is easy. Absolutely everything is hard. I can’t even enjoy myself properly. So I end up just… doing nothing.
All I’m left with is this eternal wanting and yearning. What I want, I don’t know.
A good night’s sleep maybe. Sleeping for a week sounds great. Sleeping forever seems even better. But I can’t do that. I have to be a responsible little adult. I have people who need me and rely on me and I can’t let them down. Of course not. They’re far more valuable than I am.
I have no self-value. And every mistake I make, every fuck-up I cause, just reduces me further. I literally can’t do anything right. Can barely type.
Not even doing a good job of hiding the fact that I am miserable. I go to sleep every night repeating the same horrible thoughts, how awful I am and all that. Then I wake up and get worse throughout the day. Shrugging off questions of “are you ok” with “yeah I’m fine”. When I’m clearly, clearly not.
You know what makes me feel worse? They try so hard to make me feel better. They’re always asking about me because they’re worried. And all I can think about is why are they wasting time with me. I’m a stupid, grumpy, worthless, washed up death god and I wasn’t even a good death god. Why do they care?
Why care about stupid little me?
Why…
…
“You have been in there on your own all day, do you need some help? Is everything alright?”
Arkadin rubbed his eyes as he looked up from his keyboard. All he could taste was salt, and his vision was blurry, from having been sitting in the dark, silently crying.
“Arkadin? Can I come in?”
“H-hang on, one second…” Arkadin stammered, picking himself up, trying to make himself look vaguely presentable. Or at least, not like he had been sitting in his room crying all day. “Sorry, I’m not decent.”
There was a pause outside. “But… we are Threanic Panvok beings, we are… never really decent… Anyway, that is beside the point, I wanted to check in on you because you seem glum.”
“I’m fine…” Arkadin finally managed to make himself presentable and slowly opened the door. Retvik was standing outside, holding a bowl that was way too small for his massive, rather warm hands.
“Do you not want to talk?”
“No.”
Retvik grunted. “Very well. Litvir and I made ice cream. Well, Litvir made ice cream, I stood around and watched because I am far too hot for ice cream. Would you like some?”
Arkadin blinked. “You’re offering me ice cream?”
“Uh, of course. Why would we not offer you ice cream? You are part of the family, everyone in the family gets ice cream.”
Arkadin took a deep breath, a vague disguise for his misery. “I guess…”
“Come on, let us go get more ice cream. What I have here has already melted anyway.”
With a sigh, Arkadin smiled, rather weakly. The feelings of misery had subsided, if just for a moment. “Yeah, sure. That’d be nice…”