Love Drunk Deity

“You were supposed to be here two hours ago!” Kairos snapped as he hovered in the upper atmosphere of this small planet. “Where the fuck were you?”

Arkadin shrugged. “Sorry, something came up.”

“Like what? What’s more important than saving our drugged up sister?”

“Sorry…” Arkadin’s brief moment of amusement faded. “Didn’t think it was all that bad, from what you and Yisini told me, she was just sleeping on the planet’s surface?”

The Whenvern flapped his wings. Below him, clouds blew around, clearing away a small storm that had formed. “No. She is lying on the surface and…”


“And…” Kairos trailed off. “We believe she is… being massaged by a local Thraki population.”

Arkadin blinked. “… Massaged? As in, having someone rubbing her body?”


“And?” Arkadin was clearly confused. Kairos seemed pretty angry, but couldn’t explain why. “Why are you bothered about Epani being on the planet’s surface and all that?”

“Because Yisini’s aphrodisiac dust is unintentionally affecting her!”

“Ohhhhhh!” Arkadin was beginning to understand. “From what you were saying, it seemed as though you were annoyed about the Thraki massaging her.”

“Well, that too. They’re my servants, not hers. But that is beside the point! We need to get Epani off the planet and drug-free before either the parents find out or Yisini comes along and starts trying to fuck her!”

“But they screw each other on the regular anyway… I think you mean you don’t want Yisini taking advantage of her. Where IS Yisini anyway?”

Kairos continued flapping, then suddenly stopped, remaining where he was use to his own godly powers. “Uh… Um…”

“We kinda need to know…”


“Well, we know what Yisini is like…” Arkadin sighed. “But really, what can we do?”

“I was thinking we just get Epani off the planet and take her home and sober her up there…” Kairos suggested. “Get her out of mortal hands.”

Arkadin shook his head. “And leave her at home where Yisini has a key and lets herself in at will? You do know they screw each other on a semi-regular basis already, right?”

“Yeah but… I don’t know!” Kairos had clearly run out of ideas. “I don’t even know how to get her off the planet! I mean, she’s the size of a mountain! She’s already affecting the planet’s gravitational pull and stuff like that! They’re all fucking lucky she isn’t maxed out because otherwise she’d crush them all! And I want my damn Thraki to stop worshipping her!”

The Thantophor tutted, then put an arm around Kairos. “Yeah, it’s all very silly…”

“It is ridiculous! Heck, we could end up going down there, picking her up and getting infected with aphrodisiac gases too!”

“Good point. Maybe we should just leave her down there and keep an eye on her from orbit then?”

Kairos stared at Arkadin, as if he had said something both insanely brilliant and brilliantly insane at the same time.

“Just… leave her down there?”


“And watch her from up here?”



Arkadin shrugged. “Firstly we don’t want to get love-gassed ourselves. Secondly, we can keep a good eye on her and have your servants looking after Epani. Thirdly, we can see Yisini coming a mile away if she does decide to make a dumb move. Fourthly, the landslides and other potential environmental problems from moving Epani ourselves are a little… too… cataclysmic for my liking.”

After a moment’s thought, Kairos shrugged too. “Well, you’ve convinced me. Want to go get ice cream or something?”

“Aren’t we going to stay here and keep an eye on Epani?”

“You stay here and keep an eye on Epani. I’m going to go get ice cream.”