wee
super play time
time with friends
soft crawl time
in the special soft box
with the slippy slide
fun time
we climb
we crawl
we slide
is all good
big ba watches
big ones watch too
big ba not normal
big ba thinking
they watch
they protect
they not happy
we play though
play with friends
wee fun
…
Litvir watched as their baby sibling crawled around the soft play area. Baby Retvik was now fully three months old now, and in celebration, Retvik and their three friends had been allowed entrance to the “crawl zone”, which was a padded area filled with things to crawl, slide and climb on. Retvik couldn’t walk properly yet but they could crawl insanely fast and had far more body strength than expected, meaning they could keep up with the two older kids, Nanik and Kayiil, who had recently learned to stand and walk. Tanii was capable of standing but was very wobbly, so they remained crawling most of the time. Right now though, Retvik was crawling under Tanii and Kayiil and then going down one of the smaller slides, much to the other babies’ delight.
Litvir was only partially paying attention. They were lost in thought. And they were feeling sad. There was a lot going through Litvir’s mind, but the more they thought about it, the more they realised that the main emotion they were feeling was jealousy.
Litvir was jealous. They were jealous of Retvik. Because Retvik was a baby and was doing baby things, like playing and learning and being allowed to explore and have fun. They were also allowed to make mistakes. Lots of mistakes.
Apparently Retvik had accidentally knocked Tanii over the other day and made them cry. But Retvik had said sorry (in so much as a baby could even say they were sorry), Tanii had settled down and they had gone back to playing. Litvir on the other hand, they had made a mistake, they had looked the wrong way when crossing a road and caused a bus to stop suddenly. No one was hurt but people were very angry at Litvir. They could have gotten someone hurt. Litvir didn’t mean it, it was an accident, because they had just been on a planet where traffic moved in the opposite direction and Litvir had forgotten briefly. They had been called stupid. They could hear everyone saying how dumb Litvir was.
That had upset Litvir. They felt they weren’t allowed to make mistakes. They had to be perfect in every way. As far as the universe was concerned, Litvir was an adult, they had to do adult things, they had to be good all the time. But Litvir was not an adult. Litvir was a baby. Just like Retvik.
That was why Litvir was jealous. They wanted to be a real baby. They never got to be a real baby who was free to play and be silly and not have any real responsibilities. Retvik had spent the first three months of their life growing, learning and exploring. And eating a lot. Thinking back to Litvir’s first three months of life, they had been alone, mostly left to fend for themselves. They’d been given a little help, and over time, they had been adopted and looked after, but they always had responsibilities. They always had to be an adult. Not a baby, not even a child or a teenager. Always an adult. And right now? As they watched their little sibling have fun, playing with their friends, that feeling was particularly painful.
…
big ba is watching
watching us play
we have fun
slide is fun
wee
fall down
slide goes wee
we all go down together
wee
slide
ba watch
ba…
ba not watch?
ba looks not happy
ba looks sad
maybe ba is sad
maybe I say something
I go
maybe say something
I help
…
“Ba!”
Litvir sniffed, then rubbed their eyes and looked up. Retvik had left the slide area and crawled their way over. They were waving their hands at Litvir.
“Ba!”
Retvik was trying to get Litvir’s attention. Litvir rubbed their eyes some more, then got up and headed over to where Retvik was standing. Well, not standing, more leaning against the wall of the play pen.
“BA!”
“I can hear you…” Litvir muttered. “Is something wrong?”
Retvik tilted their head to one side. They were looking at Litvir a little too hard.
“Ba. Ba… Ba…”
“What?”
Retvik patted on the wall. “Ba in.”
Litvir realised what Retvik wanted. “I cannot come in. I am big. Too big. Too big to come and play with you.”
“In!” Retvik squeaked. “Ba! In!”
“I cannot come in!” Litvir sighed. “I am a big person! I am not a kid! I am not a baby like you!”
“Ba in!” Retvik repeated, not really understanding. “Ba in!”
“I cannot!” Litvir raised their voice but quickly lowered it, sniffing to themselves, hiding tears. “I am an adult! I cannot do baby things! Even if I want to! I have to be a big person now!”
Retvik stared at Litvir, then put their hand on the wall, reaching out to Litvir. “Ba. It good.”
“It… it is not good… I want to be a baby like you, but I cannot…” Litvir paused. Someone had seen Litvir. One of the nurses.
“Hello, dear, are you alright?” the nurse asked.
“I… I am fine…” Litvir sighed.
“Ba!” Retvik shouted. “Ba bad!”
The nurse glanced at Retvik, then back at Litvir. Litvir didn’t look at the nurse. They stared at Retvik, letting tears drip from their eyes.
“Ba sad.”
“Yeah. Ba sad…” Litvir muttered. “Go play with your friends, little sibling. They are more like you. Not a freak like me. I have adult things to do now.”
With that, Litvir staggered to their feet, then walked off, vanishing once they were out of sight. Baby Retvik stared at the door, whimpered a bit, then sat down. Their sorrow was brief though, as the other babies came along and patted them on the shoulder, distracting them from the thing that just happened, the sad thing they didn’t understand.