Retvik was mostly minding his own business when he was suddenly pulled through a shadow. He’d just finished burning some Corruption out of a trio of Divine Guardians while their Life Goddess breathed down Retvik’s neck (almost literally) and, after washing himself up, he planned to take a quick break. But clearly someone had other ideas.
However, Retvik quickly relaxed as he felt that familiar cool embrace, as Litvir wrapped his arms around him.
“Hello, dear. You seem feisty today.”
Litvir sighed, then let go. They were currently in Retvik’s personal quarters, and Litvir felt perfectly at home as he sat down on the bed.
“No, I am not feisty. I wanted to… Well, we need to talk, and I wanted to soften the blow to what I am about to say.”
Retvik looked Litvir up and down, then crossed his arms and grunted. “You know what? I have been genuinely scared for ages that my assumptions were right.”
“Well, perhaps, before you get all upset, you wait until you have heard what I have said!” Litvir hissed slightly, before calming back down and sighing again. “Before I speak though, please, come and sit next to me.”
Retvik hesitated, then did as he was told. Litvir also hesitated, fidgeted somewhat, then started to explain.
“Alright, first off, I have not been avoiding you. Not intentionally. We have both been legitimately rather busy and I had no idea that running a Decay Lord sect would be so draining. Even Kal seem somewhat surprised, they used to have cool-off periods between flying to and meeting clients, but everyone coming here means we have a lot more, uh, patients.”
“That is very true. Especially with this massive rise in corruption attacks we have seen lately. Pah said he is very thankful he has Vikalos, Saahro and myself helping him out. And Elkay has been backing us all up too when he is not on guard duty…” Retvik frowned. “I will be blunt, seeing Elkay and Teekay getting married and being happy has made me… envious. Of course, I am happy for them but…”
“But what?” Litvir asked. “Why is their relationship and them being married different to our relationship?”
“It feels more official. And they just seem… closer than we are. There is far less agony in their partnership, they are far happier than we are.”
“Hmph…” Litvir didn’t seem to accept Retvik’s answer. “Well… I am going to be painfully blunt. I think weddings and marriages are stupid. I do not see any reason to legally bind yourself to someone else. Maybe not so much out here in the Periuniversal Void, but back in our old universe? Marriage was just nothing more than a way to make sure the person you marry gets all your stuff when you die while enforcing a strict two-person relationship. And should a relationship go wrong? A divorce is much more complicated than a simple split.”
“You literally did the ceremony for Elkay and Teekay’s union though.”
Litvir nodded. “I did, yes. Because I did not want my personal opinions to get in the way of their love, affection and dreams. They were both desperate to become Decay Lords not because of us, but because they wanted to get married, and I was not going to let silly beliefs get in the way of that.”
“But you WILL let your silly beliefs get in the way of us?” Retvik was rather unsatisfied with Litvir’s response.
Litvir paused, trying to think of a reply that wouldn’t piss Retvik off too much. “That… is different…”
“Why?”
“Um…” More hesitation. Litvir briefly wondered if he was being a bit hypocritical. “We do not need to be legally married to be together. And we are technically already legally bound anyway, since we are a hidden Named Trio. Well, two thirds of one.”
“I feel like there is more to it than just that. More than just your dislike of any sort of formal, recognized union.”
Litvir fell silent and stared at the floor, not daring to look at Retvik.
“Litvir, I am not angry, I just want a reason.”
“There are three reasons…” Litvir immediately admitted. “The first is needlessly selfish: if I marry you, I can no longer be polyamorous, I feel like I lose out on potential future options and I am somewhat sure you would not agree to the open agreement that Teekay and Elkay have. Sure, out here, there are not many options, but monogamy feels restrictive.
“Secondly, and I guess this is also somewhat selfish, I am still stuck beneath a lot of my self-hatred, and I am under the impression that, if I cannot love myself, how can I expect you to do the same. I still need to work on myself.
“Thirdly, well…” Litvir trailed off. “I feel like I am replacing Gath. And I do not want to feel like that.”
Retvik sighed, then put an arm around Litvir. “While I do not really understand the first reason and the second reason can be worked on, I need to make something clear to you. You would not be replacing Gath, because Gath already replaced me.”
Litvir blinked. “I… I do not follow…”
“Gath and I were divorced before you and I became Decaylings. It was not a completely willing divorce, but Gath was told I was dead, he was asked to identify a mutilated corpse that looked a bit like me, and he did as I always asked him to: he moved on and found new love, replacing my love with the love of someone else. He remarried, had a kid and lived the life he wanted. Then the universe ended and Gath was rewritten just like everyone else was.”
“Still…”
Retvik pulled Litvir close. “That chapter of my life is over. I accept that. We both started new chapters. And now I want to start another, newer, better chapter, with you, officially.”
“But I am not ready yet. These days, I do not fear much, although I do definitely fear psionic serpents now, but… I am scared of commitment as well.”
“That is absolutely fine. I am happy to help you overcome that fear. I am also happy to wait for you.”
“Hmph…” Litvir tutted. “Now that I have said it out loud, my fear of a commitment to you is very stupid.”
Retvik shrugged. “A little, but we all do, think and feel stupid things occasionally.”
“I guess. Still, I do not want to get married yet. I want to work on myself a little more. Also, I do not want to hear the word ‘wedding’ for a while. I care deeply for little Teekay but he got a little carried away.”
“Hah, fair enough…” Retvik pulled Litvir into a hug. “I guess I better understand your reluctance now. And I apologise for seeming pushy.”
“I am sorry for not properly communicating with you. I am a telepath, I should know better…” Litvir leaned into the hug. “But I also try very hard not to intrude on your thoughts, as tempting as it is.”
“I appreciate that. We love each other, clearly, but we sometimes mess up. That is fine though, we always work these things out. That is what partners do.”
“Mhm…”
Both Rethans fell silent, holding each other tightly while lost in their own thoughts. Eventually though, Retvik spoke up.
“I take it you are not busy right now?”
“No, not really. I put time aside so we could have this talk.”
“Do you want to snuggle for a bit?”
Litvir smiled, just a little. “I would like that, yes.”