A Quick Guide to Meeting Deities

There’s a horrendously powerful being in front of you and you’re pretty sure that it’s some sort of deity. But which one? What should you do? What is going on? Well, remain calm, as long as you don’t do anything stupid like trying to attack it or insulting it, you should be fine.

Step 1: Identify Actions

Q: What is the Deity doing?

A: Deities normally avoid conflict unless provoked. Do not attempt to harm the Deity.

If the Deity is trying to catch you, pin you down or otherwise trap you, allow it to do so and remain calm.

If the Deity is motionless above you, watching quietly, pretend that it is not there and carry on with what you are doing.

If the Deity is surrounded by the dead, stay quiet, lower yourself down as much as possible and do not move.

If the Deity is approaching you calmly, remain where you are and allow them to approach.

If the Deity speaks to you, listen carefully, speak only when asked to and do not try to interrupt.

Step 2: Identify the Deity

Q: Is it a serpentine being or a creature that looks like an impossibly perfect version of yourself?

A: You are dealing with Yisini, the Allbirther.

Q: Is it a colossal draconic being? Does it have massive wings?

A: It’s Kairos, the Whenvern.

Q: Are you looking at a moon-sized entity reminiscent of an oceanic monster? Does it have fins or massive jaws? Does it have long, glowing lures protruding from its upper body?

A: The Panelix Epani wants to meet you.

Q: Is the entity small, equal in height to you, armoured and upright? Does it look like a Panvok being?

A: You have caught the attention of the Thantophor Arkadin.

Q: Does the being tower over you and seem completely black apart from a few glowing nodules? Does the creature have long horns or antlers sticking out of its head? Does it have three pairs of limbs?

A: The Voidlord Kenon wishes to speak to you.

Q: Does the being look like a scaly being, a furless Ksithan or a very small Temthan?

A: You have been blessed by the presence of the Allmaker. Please skip to the very end of this guide.

Q: What is its main colouration?

A: Deities have their own specific colours.

Purple, green, brown = Allbirther

Red, glowing green = Panelix

Blue, silver, cyan, grey = Whenvern

Black, yellow, gold, silver = Thantophor

Almost completely black with hints of white, red or gold = Voidlord

Step 2: Assess Dangers

If you are in imminent danger from anything except from the Deity, move to safety before doing anything else. Deities understand the dangers of mortal life and will allow you to save yourself before they do anything else.

The Deities below are ordered from most dangerous to least dangerous.

Allbirther: Keep yourself as low down as possible. The Deity has a high chance of attempting to kidnap, harm or force herself upon you. If you are able to, speak clearly and demand that you do not wish to be harmed.

Whenvern: Announce your presence and do not make sudden movements. The Whenvern is only aggressive and threatening if you are aggressive towards it or openly declare your preference of other Deities. If you worship a Deity other than the Whenvern, do not mention any of your beliefs. If you have attempted to meddle, alter, change or experiment with time in any way, lay down on the ground and beg for forgiveness.

Panelix: Make your presence known as quickly and obviously as possible. The Panelix is a large being and may not see you straight away. Use fire or other visual media to announce your location. When the Panelix is aware of your existence, remove any visual cues to your presence and remain still.

Voidlord: As long as respect is given, the Voidlord will not attempt to harm you, but may accidentally injure you if you are in his way. Make your presence clear. Move out of the Voidlord’s path as soon as you are able to if the Voidlord is moving.

Thantophor: The Thantophor in person is a mostly harmless being who often just wishes to either talk or observe your actions. Remain calm and carry on with what you are doing unless the Thantophor speaks to you. If you have done something to anger the Thantophor, then nothing can save you.

Step 3: First Impressions

Allbirther, Panelix, Voidborn: Your first action as these beings approach should be to bow down and make yourself as non-threatening as possible.

Whenvern: You may lower yourself or bow, but it is more important that you allow the Whenvern to speak to you first.

Thantophor: Allow the Thantophor to finish what it is doing and to introduce itself. Once it has introduced itself, you may introduce yourself as well.

Step 4: Communication

If the Deity wishes to speak to you, then you must respond in kind. Your first words and impressions are vital to your success.

Allbirther: Before doing anything, mention how beautiful the Allbirther is and how you are blessed to be in her presence. Speak slowly, politely and carefully. Bow as low as you can and do not look directly at the Allbirther. The Deity may ask rude or embarrassing questions. No matter what the Allbirther asks, attempt to answer as honestly as possible. Never interrupt the Deity.

Panelix: Do not mention how monstrous or scary or ugly the Panelix is. Be polite and always refer to the Deity as Panelix, never by any other name unless permitted to do so by the Panelix herself. Do not interrupt the Panelix but if she gives you permission to speak, you may ask what you please, aside from information about black holes and other dangerous, macroscopic phenomena.

Whenvern: Speak to the Whenvern as you would speak to your own rulers and holy leaders. Lower your head, keep eye contact and remain still with your limbs visible at all times. Never ask about future events – the Whenvern will often give deceiving answers that may or may not risk your continued well-being. Do not lie in front of the Whenvern, ever.

Voidlord: Always bow to the Voidborn and state clearly who you are, listing your full name, occupation, species and anyone you might be affiliated with. Only speak if spoken to and allow the Voidlord to monologue if he so desires. Always follow any instructions the Voidlord gives you.

Thantophor: Treat the Thantophor as if it is your equal. Speak cleanly and calmly and be as honest as possible. Admit that you are scared but do not constantly mention your feelings. The Thantophor is only ever as honest as you are. Do not ask about future events, saving dying relatives or anything to do with the Thantophor’s duties unless the Thantophor mentions it itself.

Step 5: Actions, Requests, Movement

In general, you must remain calm and still while meeting a Deity. Do not make sudden movements, drop anything you may be holding and stand as still as you can.

Whenvern: The Whenvern is the Deity most likely to give tasks to mortal beings. The Whenvern’s requests vary from being to being but always involve some amount of worship towards the Whenvern, or stopping the worship of another Deity. If you cannot fulfil the Whenvern’s requests, you must state as much immediately. Do not lie or speak with uncertainty.

Allbirther: The Allbirther will almost certainly want to inspect your person and may awkwardly poke and prod your body, and may ask for various bodily samples, which you should provide if you can. If you refuse to do so, the Allbirther will attempt to copulate with you by force. The Allbirther may also attempt intercourse even if you do fulfil her requests but the more compliant you are, the more lenient she will be. If the Allbirther requests that you produce heirs, procreate with specific entities or otherwise reproduce, do as she asks as soon as possible. Failing a duty given by the Allbirther always has negative consequences, often ending in loss of heritage, culture and even potential extinctions.

Voidlord: The Voidlord will rarely do anything more than speak to you. On rare occasions though, the Voidlord may ask you if you have “seen anything strange or unusual.” If you have, answer as clearly and swiftly as possible – the Voidlord may have perceived a nearby threat and is asking for more information. If the Voidlord asks you to evacuate, you must do so IMMEDIATELY and must inform any nearby mortals to do the same.

Thantophor: The Thantophor may make simple requests, such as joining it at a specific location, sharing a meal or simply walking alongside it as it works. The Thantophor may be visibly annoyed if you decline to join it, but as long as you are honest and upfront about what you want, then the Thantophor will leave you be.

Panelix: The Panelix often has more important tasks at hand and will spend little time by your side. She may warn you of incoming threats though, such as earthquakes and solar flares. Always heed this advice.

Step 6: Farewells

When a Deity is done interacting with you, always take several steps back. The Deity will most likely disappear in a cloud of various particles. Stay clear of the Deity as they disappear as they are often teleporting away to a new location. Failure to do so may result in loss of life or limb.

Meeting the Allmaker

The Allmaker is unique as She almost never meets with mortals. If the Allmaker blesses you with Her presence, remain calm and listen to what She says. She will not allow you to speak, She will give you a message then disappear. It is your duty to relay Her message to as many beings as possible.