“Why are you so sad, Phovos? Why are you so sad? There’s nothing to be sad about. Get up, go out, live your life!”
Well I don’t want to.
I get upset when you tell me this because I don’t like going out and meeting people. I don’t like people at all. The fact that I’m a human being in general annoys me. Everyone is just… boring. And no one really wants to hear about anyone else. I like listening to others, not contributing. Most people don’t want to hear about the voices in my head anyway, because they’re not real. We’re all egotistic and I don’t want to be. It doesn’t bother me that I’m average-looking, because pretty much everyone is.
I’m not the prettiest person and I wish I was tall and skinny enough to wear a jumpsuit and not look like a lump, but I wasn’t blessed with a tall and skinny gene so whatever, I can look past that. The stomach bothers me but while I’m injecting fat into it four times a day, there’s not much I can do other than try and fix the muscles underneath – which I am trying to do. I’m dieting and trying to do more exercise. I am trying. Starting tomorrow I’ll be going back to the gym anyway.
Not that I actually want a partner or some sort of relationship. I’m just not interested. If I make a friend, it’s a friend, nothing more. I have no interest in any sort of intimate relationship in any way. Plus, sex is icky and gross and something I can’t control.
Money is also a thing. No matter how much I’m reassured that we’ll “find the money somewhere”, I see everyone else spending and not saving and it makes me cling on to what little I have even more. Since I’m not in control of it, I worry needlessly. What I really want is to save as much as possible, so we can pay off these debts and I can move out. I can’t move out until debts are paid. I can’t leave and do my own thing until everyone else is safe and sound. But these days, I feel guilty for buying anything I don’t need. I feel bad for treating myself to, I don’t know, a new game, because I don’t NEED a new game.
A lot of it is guilt though. I feel guilty that I’m not out doing stuff and making friends and living my life the way everyone else does and the way everyone wants me to. I like being on my own, I’m my own best friend (and sometimes my own worst enemy) and I enjoy my own company more than most others. You think I have a ton of online friends, I have two that I ever want to talk to, and they’re hardly ever online any more anyway. I imagine so many events and conversations and all sorts in my head. Part of me is sad that I can so rarely get them on paper but that’s okay.
Everyone thinks I have so much to offer to the universe, that I’m great and all that. I just want to be left alone though.
You all see everything I do in rose-tinted glasses. I see everything in shades of grey. Not literally. Really, I’m a pessimist, but also a pragmatist. Most things I see fail. Most things I touch burn down and decay. Nothing lasts, everything just gets bandaged together only for it all to get worse and worse. It’s all a downward gradient towards the heat death of the universe.
I don’t want a family either. I don’t want that 25% chance of giving a child of mine type 1 diabetes. It’s not going to be cured or fixed any time soon, and I’d rather not have children than risk one of them doing the same four injections a day I do. Whether I’d be a good parent or not, I don’t know, but I’m so anti-risk that I’d rather not find out.
At the end of the day, I’m no one. I don’t see myself as special or anything like that. I have very little to offer existence, it’s all so fleeting and instantly forgotten anyway. I’m one of 3.5 billion women on this planet, there will always be someone better than me in every way and I’ll be gone in a blink of a cosmic eye anyway.
This universe and everything in it is pointless.
I’m not sure where I’m going with all this. Maybe it’s just some chemical hormone crap in my head. I just want some peace and quiet so I can work it all out.