“Still drunk?”
“Eugh…”
Tenuk blinked. He was awake. And tied to a chair. And had a massive hangover. His head ached, his mouth was bone dry and his legs felt weird. But Tenuk hadn’t been drinking, had he?
“Where the fuck am I?” Tenuk finally managed to stutter.
“The Shield and Stave Pub, the Ventra Expanse.”
Tenuk blinked some more. The world around him started to get a little less blurry.]
“Oh! Hey Vick! Hey Arkay! Hey… uh… Vick’s girlfriend. You’re cute. Wanna go on a ride?”
Letharus glanced at Vick and Arkay. Vick sighed. “No, no, don’t knock him out again. “
“Every time this ridiculous-looking four-eyed Beh’en asshole has looked at me, they have said they wanted to fuck me.”
“I know, but please-”
“I will not knock them out, but if they are suggestive to me one more time, I cut all their genitalia off.”
“Tenuk’s an old-universe Kronospast, the only thing he has to cut off is a rather small, stubby penis… Almost looks like a straw…” Arkay muttered.
Tenuk blinked some more. “How… how do you know the size of my actual penis?”
“I’m literally a god!” Arkay hissed slightly. He seemed angry. But he also stank of alcohol. “I know a LOT of things. But I’m gonna tell you one thing for certain, you are NOT getting under Vick’s loincloth or Letharus’s loincloth EVER.”
Tenuk continued blinking. He couldn’t rub his eyes since he was tied to the chair. “You seem angry, kid.”
“You dragged me all the way out here, got me nearly blind drunk in a bad way and had to make my step-dad fix things. I just wanted to spend time with Vick and I am fucking glad that the rest of the Thantir can’t see the fucked up state I’m in right now! I’m mostly referring to my half-brother but just… look at me, I can barely stand! And like I just said, I’m a god, I can’t afford to be in such a fucked up state!” Arkay suddenly paused. “Fuck. I really, really hope Deathven doesn’t suddenly summon me right now.”
“What… what do you mean by that?” Tenuk asked.
“Sometimes Deathven summons me, Retvik and Litvir into his stupid hall and tells me to go on secret missions because we’re a hidden trio thing. It’s stupid. I’m fucking stupid…”
“Arkay, you are not stupid!” Vick exclaimed.
“I fucking am! I’m this stupid special person with all these stupid powers and the ability to kill most folks just by thinking about it, and here I fucking am, falling to bits in my dad’s pub, on the verge of tears, brought down by some fucking alcohol!”
Letharus and Tenuk were a little too shocked to answer, but Vick just shrugged.
“Arkay?”
“Yeah?” Arkay wiped tears from his eyes. “I am so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid. You’re just very, very drunk. And you’re drunk because it’s gotten in via your skin, not your normal stomach and the weird fake stomach you have that normally protects you from this.”
“I… I guess… I should have sobered up by now though…”
“Because it’s on your skin. Go to my bathroom, run yourself a nice, warm bath, use the nice lavender-scented bubble stuff, and go and soak it off.”
Arkay fell silent. He sniffed a few times, then did as he was told. Letharus wondered if Arkay was going to ask where the bathroom was, but somehow, he already seemed to know.
“Alright, I have to ask, how did you just tame the universe-murdering death god?” Tenuk sputtered.
“I’m his father figure and a decent person. It’s not hard to reach out to someone who’s in pain and help them sort their emotions out. That’s all I did. It’s what I learned to do as I grew and aged. And that’s what you always failed to do, Tenuk. You got older but you always put yourself first and struggled to see things from other people’s points of view.”
Tenuk frowned. “You’re absolutely right. I mean, I’ve been trying to change, but I am still the obnoxious Kronospast cunt I always used to be. And, like… I heard what the other two Tenuks are doing? Middle Tenuk is a fucking father with a cute kid, and baby Tenuk is the purest little person ever.”
Vick tutted. “You don’t think I don’t get that either. Arkay is literally partnered with middle-universe me, and, again, Ret is the sweetest guy ever, and he’s married. But I’m still my own person and I’m still a good person…” Vick paused, then glanced at the door. Someone had arrived. Two someones.
“Hey, Vick!” Thyel exclaimed as he waltzed in. Floating by his side was a familiar red and gold Beh’ena.
“Hi, Lord Thyel! Hello, Lady Vret!” Vick waved. “What’s up? Are you here for a beer run?”
“We were, but my darling wished to ask if you have seen Kahlos recently?” Vret asked. “Also, we recently got an unusual message from one of the Thantir Beh’enu, requesting to communicate with Thyel about something.”
Vick glanced at Letharus. Letharus shrugged. “We saw Kahlos two days ago, he bought several cans of beer then headed off. We do not know what the Thantir are up to right now, apart from some sort of… thing with the Ekthris.”
Thyel turned to Tenuk, realising who he was. He then inspected Vick and Letharus, before scanning the premises a bit. All of a sudden, Tenuk passed out and slumped forward, the only reason he didn’t hit the ground was because he was still tied to his chair.
“Um…” Vret whispered.
“He is fucking stupid for travelling with that sheer amount of unsealed, high proof kenoberry alcohol, and you guys don’t deserve harassment!” Thyel growled. “When little Arkay comes back, keep on telling him he’s a good person, then throw out all those barrels, or just somehow destroy them or something, because that shit’s dangerous. Anyway, since you answered my question about Kahlos, could we get some cans please? I assume you have some zero-alcohol beer?”
“We do, yes!” Letharus beamed as he rushed over to the bar, bagged up four normal beers and four alcohol-free beers, then handed them to Thyel. Thyel handed him a large sack of gold coins.
“Wonderful!” Thyel beamed. “Have a good one, guys. Me and Vret have celebrating to do back at home.”
The door slammed shut, leaving the pub in silence.
“So…” Letharus finally spoke. “Thyel massively overpaid again. Shall we lock up for the day?”
“Yeah, I think we should…” Vick smiled. “I’ll cook something nice and we can just relax for a bit…”