For some odd reason, the front door was unlocked.
The front door shouldn’t have been unlocked. Elksia wasn’t due home until tonight, and Tenuk was off doing, uh, whatever it was he normally does when he wasn’t out drinking. The only other person who had a key was Arkay but he was supposed to be out with his little group of friends.
Retvik put down the shopping bags and drew his beloved blade. The one that Gath made for him. It looked small in Retvik’s large, clawed hands, but that didn’t matter. A small weapon was better than no weapon.
The door creaked open. Someone inside moved. Retvik knew better to announce who he was. Luckily, he didn’t need to.
“Hi Retvik,” Arkay sighed. “Didn’t realise you were out so I let myself in.”
Retvik put his blade away, then picked up the shopping bags and brought them inside, gently leaving them on the counter where Arkay was sitting.
“I thought you were with the Rainbow Club for Gay Threan-Types?”
“It’s the League of Brightly Coloured Rethans, actually.” Arkay seemed to smile only a little. “Kass realised that the old name was, I don’t know, funny to other races.”
“How so?” Retvik asked as he started unpacking the bags.
“Apparently ‘gay’ means ‘homosexual’ among some races. Most races. Apart from us. Apparently it’s taboo for races that have different genders, to have the same genders fall in love with each other. Or something like that. I don’t really get it myself.”
Retvik cursed under his breath. He’d forgotten to buy eggs. He’d have to do without for now. “So why are you here rather than with your friends?”
Arkay grunted, then went back to what he was doing. He seemed to be idly looking at images of cute animals on an electronic tablet.
“Arkay?”
“I don’t want to talk.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing happened.”
“Something clearly happened.”
Another grunt. Arkay clearly wasn’t going to give in easily. Luckily, having spent eleven years living alongside Arkay in rather… bad conditions, Retvik knew how to make him talk.
“Shame. And I was going to make you a cake.”
Arkay looked up this time. “You know I’ve been desperately trying to lose weight since Macromera and am failing miserably, right?”
“Kid, we have not spoken properly since Macromera. You popped by when you mentioned that… thing with Kinisis. Apart from that, we have not had a real conversation. There is clearly something bothering you and I wish to help you.”
“I just don’t want to talk.”
Retvik sighed. His normal tactics weren’t working. He had to start asking questions.
“Is this about your friends?”
“No.”
“Is this about us?”
“No.”
“Is this about-”
“Will you stop?” Arkay snapped. “I just feel depressed. No particular reason. A handful of small, private reasons. None of it concerns you.”
Retvik went back to putting away the shopping, giving Arkay some space. Once he was finished, he poured himself a drink and sat down opposite Arkay.
“I get worried when you are depressed.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“Why? Until I manage to have a child of my own, I see you as my kid. Someone I should look after. And I worry even more now that you have… signed yourself away.”
Arkay growled. “You had to bring that up, didn’t you?” He picked up his electronic tablet and was about to leave, but changed his mind. He remained seated, staring angrily at the screen.
“I am…”
“Don’t. Just don’t.”
“Arkay…”
“Please. It pains me that I’m never going to see fifty. That I’ve got to squeeze in a good seventy years into twenty five. Probably not even that. But at the same time, I’m too fucking incompetent to make the most of my time…”
Retvik didn’t quite follow what Arkay was talking about, but he’d clearly hit a nerve.
“You’re not-”
“Yes I am. I’m a fucking retarded little idiot. You don’t now how much I hate myself, how angry I am that I’m just throwing away my life. And why should I even care? I’m a hollow, pointless hole of a living being. A fucking leech, sucking on everyone else. Draining them away.”
“You’re not a leech, Arkay.”
“I am. I can’t… I can’t even describe how much I hate myself. I… should have just let her take me, right there. This universe would be better off without me…”
Arkay wasn’t quite crying, but the stutters in his voice gave away the fact he was holding back tears.
“That’s not…”
“Don’t say it’s not true…” A tear broke through. Then another. And another. “This universe… if it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else… They would have done a better job… I shouldn’t even be here. I should have died… Not that it matters… I’ll just… waste away over the next few years… You can’t help me, Retvik…”
His words turned into tortured sobs. Arkay laid his head down on the table, bubbles of sadness welling up in his throat, suffocating any further words.
Retvik remained where he was. He had no idea where all that self-loathing had come from. He wanted to pick Arkay up, carry him to bed and tell him everything would be alright, but he knew that would be a lie.
“Arkay, do you want anything?”
Arkay shook his head. A puddle of tears was now dripping off the counter, onto the floor.
“Fine. I will leave you alone for now. But promise me, after you’ve had your little cry, you will pick yourself up and try and make things better, yes?”
Arkay shook his head again. But this time, garbled words followed.
“There’s no point…”
“Maybe. I do not know what to say to you that will make you feel better.” Retvik got up from his seat, and headed to a cupboard, pulling out a large mixing bowl. “So I am going to bake a cake. If you want to sit there and cry, go ahead. If you want to believe that you are a leech, go ahead. But remember, I care about you. And so do so many other vok. If you were really that horrible a Rethan, do you really think we would care?”
“No…” Arkay whimpered. “The pain… memories… things like that… I feel so… undeserving… No matter what others say… It’s just so hard sometimes…”
Retvik sighed, then put his arms around Arkay, hugging him tightly. “I know, kid. I know…”