12th June 2017 Journal

Right now I don’t want to do anything. I just want to sit and stare at something. I have things I could be doing right now but I don’t care, I’m going to start writing a proper journal about my feelings. Might as well do it now when I’m distracted.

The constantly being distracted is a part of my self-loathing. I hate the fact that I’m constantly distracted. And always hungry.

I’ve been distracted like five times, just trying to write this. It’s so stupid. My brain is all over the place and I can’t concentrate on one thing, my mind rushes off onto the next thing. Any tiny little pause is enough to throw me off and make sure I don’t return to what I was doing for like 10 minutes. I hate it. When I can concentrate on one thing, I can go for ages, but I haven’t been able to get into that mind state.

Seriously, anything. Any little interruption. I was writing this then I got up to get someone their drink and I got sidetracked and spent five minutes staring at my browser waiting for my connection to stop being a dick.

Can’t stand it. Can’t work out what to do to stop it.

What makes it worse is that I know how much me not being able to concentrate is costing us. I’m not getting any work done because I can’t think straight. A third of it is idle chitchatter from voices in my head, a third is me being distracted by the internet as a whole and the last part is me having a go at myself for fucking up yet another little thing.

Or it’s me picking at myself. I do it because it calms me down, despite how bad it is. I calm down for a bit. Most of the time I’m stressing about something but picking at myself just makes my brain go silent. Maybe I should invest in some PVA glue.

Still can’t concentrate.

Still getting distracted by everything. Cat eating. Others watching videos. Random splot on the ground. Email coming in. Random itches.

STILL FUCKING DISTRACTED. Fucking stop it you stupid brain. Do some actual work rather than sitting around like a cunt. Do something. And preferably learn to type properly and stop making so many fucking typos.

There we go again. The self-loathing.

Maybe if I actually did something I’d stop hating myself. But I can’t concentrate on anything. There’s always a little distraction. I do this to myself.

I just want to sleep and listen to music. Music helps calm me down as well. Sleep is good too but I don’t do anything when I’m asleep. Music doesn’t so much help me concentrate though. I’ll start mumbling the words if I know them.

Still less distracting than most things though. I keep on thinking about last night when I nearly pulled out on someone because I was too busy listening to those two argue. Then when I drove down the dual carriageway without my headlights on. I fucking went from the cinema all the way to Geroskipou and didn’t notice. I was thinking about that all night. Wanted to hit myself. Brother kept on reassuring me that everyone makes mistakes but that’s not how my brain works.

Why do I always focus on my downsides? I don’t focus on the good stuff normally. I know I should but I don’t. They’re just not as important as the constant fuck ups I make.

Heck, earlier I was panicking because Windows wanted to scan my hard drive. It was a stupid thing to panic about but I worried way too much about it. It wasn’t worth worrying about. I just did. Because I’m dumb.

Now I just want to eat things. I’m always hungry.

I’m going to put these on my website. In a separate area. I should probably do that just so I have them.