My beloved Gath,
It is horrible here. Cold. Damp. I can feel the sickness in the air, creeping underneath my armour, clawing down my throat. I cannot say that I do not deserve this though. I was hoping that, when we turned ourselves in, we’d remain locked in a Rethan prison, or at least a mixed-race Maza jail. I was surprised when the High General handed us over to the Lanex to be put on trial there. Still, this was all to be expected after what happened.
We pleaded guilty because while we were not under our own control, our actions must be accountable, at least until the force that drove us to such vile acts is found and destroyed. The Lanex cannot be denied justice and we cannot be denied punishment. I had hoped, for both mine and the others’ sake, that the Lanex would be just, perhaps even understanding of being controlled – many of them had been enslaved by other Deitics for millennia, but when you are looking at a massacre… Well, I still understand. Had our roles been reversed, you know what I would have done.
Part of me is still broken inside, still in disbelief over what happened. You know me, I am a just vok. I would never harm an innocent being. Even in times of war, we are taught to immobilise and disarm rather than outright kill. Had I been in control, I would have found another way. Those Anexartitai may have been part of the circle of beings that disabled Death herself, but I would have never sacrificed so many. Even back during the Great Deitic War, we tried to avoid killing. We really did.
I did not willingly kill those Lanex. I had only realised what I had done when my mind-controlled self tore that Anexartan in two. I immediately dropped my weapon and surrendered. It was as if I had been hypnotized. Everything was foggy. All I saw was blood and suffering. Death may still be dead, but those Lanex may never truly recover.
Whoever did this knew what they were doing. They did not care for the Lanex, only for the Anexartitai pulling their strings. They tricked and manipulated us. They mentally raped us. Whoever did this to us, they acted so maliciously, so… dramatically. As if this was all some sort of side plan, just to get rid of the Dessaron. A plot to make us into villains. They succeeded.
So here I am, languishing in a frozen prison cell. I do not know where the others are currently. We do not have any rights any more, as per Lanex law. They will treat us as monsters. Perhaps we deserve that. There is nothing good here.
What hurts me the most, despite this constant pain, is how things have fallen. The last time you spoke to me, we had an argument. The last time you saw me, I was chained up and hooked on Vials. The last time you heard me, I was screaming, begging, pleading to be released from the pain I was in. I just wish we could have gone our separate ways in far better circumstances. One last embrace. One last nuzzle.
Alas, the universe does not want us to be together. Whether I will be free once more or not at all, only time will tell. But I do not want you to wait for me. Go, live your life the way I cannot live mine. Do not wait for me.
I love you with all the breath of my lungs, with all the blood of my heart.