Dear Diary,
Dear Elksia,
This is one of those rare moments where I am actually alive and awake. Not some sort of mindless zombie. I find it ironic how I keep on telling them a Threavok. The Threavok were all turned into sex slaves before they were killed off too. Just wanted to share that bit of horrible stuff.
I’m not quite completely me. It takes a few hours for the drugs to wear off completely and it’s only been, what, twenty minutes? I am thankful for Timn. He’s my medic, every so often he pretends I have some sort of illness and puts me in isolation for a few hours. Gives me these precious moments of being myself. It’s never quite long enough. And my moments of freedom are getting shorter and shorter.
Really, I shouldn’t be complaining. My own private space, food and drink whenever I want it, a constant supply of drugs and sex whenever I want it. And even when I don’t. The plus side of being a mindless zombie is that I don’t remember those incidents that well. If it wasn’t for the, well, rape, you’d probably actually kinda like it here, Elksia. You’ve always been a sucker for a night of drinks and sex. You’re stronger than me though. And semi-immune to drugs. You’d be able to fight the Temthans off. You probably would have ended up in a far better position than me.
Thing is, I’m not enough to satisfy the males. The females love me and probably overuse me. The males love me too but I’m a bit too small for them. But that doesn’t matter. I have their respect. I’m a toy to the Raptesses.
That’s not what I want to talk about. I’m completely gone. I’m compromised. They’ve seen into my mind, they want more sex slaves like myself and they’re coming to get some. They don’t know about you though. Or normal Rethans in general. Only seen glimpses.
I see you though.
I see you all the time. Out of all the things that are keeping me sane, my thoughts and memories of you are doing the most. I think back to those ten years, where we comforted each other throughout our torture. Especially in the later years. Those times were almost bearable when I could just curl up in your arms. I didn’t realise at the time that I’d fallen in love with you. I knew you always had feelings for me but I never…I never realised. All this time and I’d never done anything. I threw your feelings away. It took me being trapped in a horrible scenario of torture and rape without you to realise what I’ve done.
I’m not going to make it home. Not as I am. If I do, it’ll either be in as a puppet to the Temthans, a sign of how ‘good’ they’ll make everything, or it’ll be in a body bag, or my head on a spike, an example of what happens to those who do not bow down to these monsters. There is a tiny slither of hope inside me, but it dims day by day.
In the ever increasing chance that I never see you again, I want you to know Elksia, that I regret every negative word or thought I have had against you. It will burn me for a long time, knowing that we’re simply not meant to be together.
I love you, Elksia. I always have done, I just didn’t understand. I was blind. The blindness may be gone, but now the light is fading anyway. Parts of me die every day and there is not much left of me. That is why it is so important I write this. But I understand now.
I hope you find someone who will love you as much as… more than I do. And I hope that one day this message reaches you, so that you may know how I truly felt.
May the Light guide you. May the Shadow defend you. May my love protect you.
– Arkay