I remember the moment when I gave in. It was when I was told what had happened to Veeyel, the one being I loved more than anything else in this stupid universe. I’d failed to teleport him out with the rest of us. They drove him insane, questioning him on where we were. He didn’t know. He ended up comatose in a hospital bed. That moment will forever haunt me. It was my fault.
When I heard that, I pleaded guilty on the spot. I took all responsibility over what happened. I even admitted to masterminding the whole moronic event, even though that is impossible. In my mind, I was to blame for Veeyel’s near-death. The Kalsa Warriors may have got their freedom, but it had cost too much.
It wasn’t worth losing Veeyel.
I didn’t react when they announced their decision, that I was guilty and was to be sentenced to two lifetimes in stasis. Four hundred years minimum, with parole in two hundred. All I could think about was how much pain Veeyel must have gone through.
I was promptly escorted to a holding cell. Most of that was a blur. I vaguely remember one of my kids, probably Elkay, promising to help me. I ignored them. I sat in my cell for a few hours, staring at the floor. I asked everyvok who walked by whether I would be able to visit Veeyel before they froze me. Every single one of them said no.
I was heartbroken. But part of me understood all of this. This part of me knew I was never supposed to be happy.
Finally, with two hours to go before my freezing, I was moved to a communal area. I shared a room with beings far more evil than I. It was a temporary place while they prepared me for transport and freezing, alongside these genuine monsters. It felt like some sort of torture device.
I kept to myself at first, the thoughts of helplessness gnawing at my mind. While I slept in stasis, everyvok I ever cared about would grow old and die. When I’d eventually wake up, there would be nothing left. I’d be forever scarred as a monster and a criminal. I would die alone. There was no way out.
Except one.
It took me a while to convince the guards that I was on medications and that I’d been neglecting them throughout the trial. I asked for them via their full names, each to different individuals. In a way that the guards would not know what I needed. Drugs to thin my blood, to decrease my pressure, to numb my pain and more. The last guard didn’t even hesitate when I asked for a glass of water. He handed me a dull, plastic cup, requesting that I bring it back when I was done.
I hid away in a corner. Out of sight from everyone. I took the pain killers first. All ten of them. Strong ones. Anti-inflamatory drugs. Ibuprofen mostly. The blood thinners and pressure tablets would end me, these would ease the pain. I would fall into a coma and be spared from stasis.
But things did not go as I planned. A few moments after taking the pain killers, I found I couldn’t breathe. My throat was swollen, my airways blocked by my own flesh.
No vok came to see what was going on. After three minutes of agony, of spasming muscles and clawing at my throat, I eventually closed my eyes as my oxygen and nitrogen starved brain shut itself down.
I woke up on the shores of Kinigi, finally free from my suffering.