Ten Steps Backwards

“I am sorry, Arkay.”

“Why are you apologising?”

This was not the first time that one of Arkadin’s responses had caught Retvik off guard. But this moment was different. Retvik had been almost certain that Arkadin was (somewhat rightly) angry at him, and for Arkadin to throw his apology back at him didn’t make much sense.

“It is pretty obvious why I am apologising. You and I are supposed to have a… a thing together. And you walked in on me helping someone else relieve himself. That is wrong of me and I should not have done that. Or, at the least, I should have consulted you first.”

Arkadin grunted, intentionally looking away from Retvik. He was fiddling with some lump of clay or plasticine he had gotten from goodness knows where.

“We already agreed to this stuff. I told you that I do not care! If you want to fuck Litvir, then go and fuck him already!”

“But you do care…” Retvik muttered. “You really clearly, very obviously care. A lot more than you wish to admit.”

With a sneer, Arkadin threw his ball of clay to one side and spun around dramatically, glaring at Retvik.

“I do not care.”

“But you do.”

“I do not care what you do.”

“But…” Retvik sighed. “You are very obviously upset…”

“I am upset that I’m too cowardly to actually join you guys! I just can’t bring myself to do it! You really think I don’t want to have sex with a golden beauty like you, Retvik? I don’t blame everyone else for wanting to have sex with you because you’re essentialy perfect! But the animalistic voice in my head that screams to finally satisfy my desires gets locked up by the eternal feeling of guilt, mistrust and unwillingness.”

“So… You… want sex but do not want sex?” Retvik was confused now. Then again, he was pretty much always confused these days. “I do not understand your problem.”

Arkadin grunted some more, getting up to pick up the ball he had just thrown. He admittedly didn’t know how to better explain his problem to Retvik, but he was also sick of talking and just wanted to be left alone. The feelings of guilt were just too complicated for him to explain with words.

“Arkadin, dear, I want to help you. But do you want to help yourself?”

“Ugh… Not this again…”

Retvik crossed his arms and tutted loudly. “So you do not want help. You would rather stew in your own misery.”

“I can’t get out of my own damn misery!” Arkadin snapped. “That’s the whole damn problem! I don’t like who I am! I’m trying to change and be better but it’s so fucking hard! And right now? These last few days, hours, whatever? I’ve gone and taken ten steps backwards! So go back out there and do what you want with Litvir, because I am NOT worth your time!”

Retvik didn’t respond at first. Eventually though, he tutted and began to back out of Arkadin’s room. “That is a shame. I thought you were a nice guy. Well, I guess I will spend some time with Litvir. Feel free to join us when you are done… I do not know, done hurting yourself, I guess.”

The door slammed shut, and Arkadin found himself alone. He sat there, not sure what to do, then sighed one last time, knowing Retvik was right.