Haunted Words

“I didn’t even know your name.”

The small, stone marker was dirtier than most. A small metal plate had been bolted to the front, but the name written on it was scuffed up, barely legible. Flowers had been placed somewhat recently, but they had wilted in the autumn sun, a lack of rain stopping them from staying fresh.

Arkay had been standing at this marker for a while. The Vrekan section of the Palaestran Grounds of the Dead was always eerily silent and rather empty, as most preferred to send their beloved back to Vrekan territories, to be laid to rest elsewhere. Only the poor remained here on Portalia, unable to afford the burial costs. Those that stayed were always cremated and given small, grass-ridden plots in the furthest corner of the Grounds of the Dead, often forgotten and ignored.

As to why Arkay was here today, he originally wasn’t sure. Something had been bothering him all day, keeping him only moments away from tears. It wasn’t until he had gone for a walk that he admitted something was wrong. Perhaps Arkay had subconsciously come to these sacred grounds?

“I didn’t even bring anything. I feel like I should have.”

The wind picked up, ever so slightly as if answering Arkay’s words. The only anger present was in Arkay’s mind.

“There are a lot of things I feel I should have done. Lots of mistakes made. We both made mistakes. Yet somehow I am the only one standing here, over your final resting place. And I didn’t even know your name until just now.”

For a brief moment, the sun appeared from behind the clouds, only to abruptly disappear again. Arkay glanced upwards, then wished he hadn’t. A few drops of rain splattered across his face.

“It all happened so fast. I keep on telling myself that. I repeat it endlessly, that I did what I could. But what I could wasn’t enough.”

Arkay looked back down towards the memorial stone, wiping water away.

“April 7th, 2017. That’s when it happened. The day we both died. I never found out your name. Who you were. Why you were down that alley. Part of me, a tiny part of me, wondered what you had done. Debt from medical bills turned into gambling debt. It had all spiralled out of control. We both lost out.

“I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I saved your partner. I saved your kids. But I couldn’t save you and I couldn’t save myself. And to make matters worse, no one but your family cared for you. No one mourned you. They were too busy mourning for poor little Arkay.”

The rain began to pick up. As did the wind, as if it was growing with Arkay’s emotions.

“We both died in that fucking alleyway. But we shouldn’t have. I should have saved you, you should be the one standing here over the grave of your saviour, holding hands with your family. Yet here I am, still alive, yet unworthy of your presence.”

Gusts began to blow around, sweeping leaves and dead flowers into the air, spinning and rising on the warmer currents. Heavy droplets tore through the sky, soaking the ground. Arkay fell to his knees, his tears hidden by the sudden downpour.

“You died while the Thantophor, the Lord of Death, was by your side. That shouldn’t have happened! None of it should have happened!

“I… I don’t deserve to be here. I let you die. I didn’t pull the trigger. I didn’t actually kill you. But I could have saved you. I didn’t though, because I was scared of ruining my mortal disguise. I was scared of dying as well. And then I died anyway, in spite of my hesitations. I never admitted that to myself. For two whole years, I have avoided… all of it. I avoided what happened. I avoided talking about it. I didn’t even check on your partner and your kids. I… I deserted you…”

Arkay fell silent. Thunder rumbled in the distance, its accompanying flashes unseen past the heavy rain.

“I’m sorry. I know you can’t forgive me. You’re gone forever. But I’m sorry anyway.”

Thunder continued to echo through the rain-riddled sky. But the wind died down and the briefly stopped, only to pick up again. Arkay knew that the weather changes weren’t coincidence. Someone was listening to his garbled, pained words.

“Maybe I’ll visit you more often… I’ll bring flowers too…”

Arkay sighed as he got up from his knees, not bothering to dust himself down. The weather was getting worse. He couldn’t stick around any longer.

“I’m not a good death god. But I’m trying to be better. I just… I don’t know any more…”

Arkay trailed off once more, then began to walk away, the wet and the cold chilling him to the bone.

“I’m so, so sorry… Neither of us deserved this fate…”