“You’ve been acting quiet, Arkay, what’s up?”
Eskay had been concerned for a while about his friend. Arkay had spent almost all of his time lately hunched over a laptop computer, going out on friend-dates with the ruler of Palaestra, or sleeping. He had only seen Arkay eat once, and what he ate wasn’t exactly good for his health.
“Nothing.”
Arkay’s reply was blunt. He didn’t want to talk. But Eskay’s concerns were more important to Eskay than Arkay’s mood right now.
“You sure?”
Really, Eskay hadn’t known him for long. Eskay joined the K-Class permanently after Arkay disappeared, essentially designed to replace him. But Eskay never did, he always remained a lower member, always curious about the Rethan whose place he was supposed to take.
“… Yes.”
“You don’t sound sure.”
Eskay ended up being the team’s medic, filling a completely different role. He never really got to meet Arkay properly until that year, during the Kalsa Warrior rebellion.
Arkay sat up, sighing. “I’m not alright. But I don’t want to talk. I don’t feel comfortable discussing what is on my mind.”
“Well, you can talk to me if you want. As a trained medic, I promise I will keep anything you say confidential, if you want.” Eskay pulled up a chair and sat down next to Arkay. “You hungry?”
“Permanently. I just want to eat junk food. But I need to cut down and lose weight and keep an eye on my blood sugar. So damn annoying.”
Eskay nodded in agreement. “I totally get it. After all, eating soothes the soul.”
“Our souls aren’t really souls,” Arkay growled. “Just flickers of consciousness, constantly recycled.”
Eskay didn’t reply for a moment. He had forgotten the… distance between Arkay’s experiences and his own. Eskay had always had a simple life, Arkay’s life breached the realms of reality as Eskay understood it.
“Oh well. But you know you can talk to me.”
“I do.” Arkay went back to whatever it was he was doing. He appeared to be looking at something not Rethan, or any other species Eskay recognised.
“Well…” Eskay considered leaving. It was clear Arkay wanted to be left alone. But as he got up, he felt something wrap around his foot – Arkay’s tail.
“It was all consensual…”
Eskay didn’t understand his words at first, caught completely off guard.
“… What do you mean?”
Arkay closed what he had open on his laptop, then opened something else. Images on the screen, which looked like scribbled words written on paper, scanned and uploaded to Arkay’s computer. “I… found these… Someone sent them to me. Don’t know who. They are pages from the diaries I wrote while I was captured by the Temthans.”
Eskay still looked confused. “Are you… I… Uh…”
Arkay slumped completely in his chair. “I read everything I wrote. I consented to everything. Out of fear. Out of a drug-induced fantasy. Whatever. I consented to all of it.”
It suddenly occurred to Eskay what he was going on about.
“Are you seriously suggesting that you consented to being brainwashed and sexually assaulted, among other things?”
“Yes. I agreed to all of it so I could come home. I got what I wanted in the end.”
Eskay sighed. “You know this is standard victim behavior, right?”
Arkay glanced up. “Explain?”
“Many victims, especially those of sexual assault, blame themselves for what happened. Yes, your… case is exceptional, but the same underlying problems are present.”
“It is my fault though. I let them do it!” Arkay whimpered. “I literally wrote down that I agreed to what they did to me!”
Eskay leaned over and snatched the laptop away. “I doubt it. Let me see…”
Arkay tried to protest but quickly gave up. Eskay scanned each image, tutting and sighing. After a minute of this, Eskay stopped and turned to face Arkay.
“You were tricked, used and mind-controlled. It says so here. You can visibly see when you ‘change’ and when you are yourself.”
“… I don’t see that though…”
Eskay sighed. “I know. I understand. It’s a very hard feeling to fight. You might always believe you’re at fault. You weren’t though. It is hard to accept that you were a victim. A part of you will always blame yourself. But the rest of you needs to see the logic behind all of this, how you were forced into it all. You may have consented in the end, but they had to mess with you mentally before you did.”
“But…”
“But what?”
Arkay sighed. He knew Eskay was right. He just couldn’t admit it to himself.
“You’ll hear what I said, or variations of it, a lot. People will keep on telling you the same things over and over. It is very hard to get out of, well, out of your own misery. It will take time though.”
“I know…”
The two Rethans fell silent. Eskay took one last glance at the scanned in images, then handed the laptop back to Arkay, who turned it off and continued to sigh.
“Is there something else wrong?” Eskay asked.
“There are a lot of things wrong…” Arkay replied. “But I can’t deal with all of them. Not right now.”
“No one can, Arkay. That’s why we all take one step at a time. Too much, and we become overwhelmed.”
Arkay smiled slightly, then sighed again. “Thank you for talking to me. I know I end up having this conversation, or similar stuff, a lot. All the time. It’s so hard though. I… can’t explain how I feel to anyone.”
“I’m sure you’ll work it out eventually. Is there anything else you need?”
“I’d… like to be left alone. If that is okay.”
“Very well…” Eskay got up to leave. “See you later.”
“You too.”