Tell us what happened, they keep on saying. We need to know. Of course you do. I’m not. I can’t say. They try to help and they make me feel worse. They don’t understand. No one does. It’s a stupidly unique situation no other Rethan has experienced. They all want to know. To make me feel better. I can’t say it out loud. I can barely talk anyway. Weeks of abuse has led to my throat being partially blocked.
So they gave me crayon and paper and now I’m writing it down.
It’s still hard.
You don’t understand though. There are chunks I remember vividly and chunks that evade my memory completely.
A lot of my trouble comes from the fact that I was drugged into being willing. If I had been sober, I would have said no. But I wasn’t. I bent to their wills. I did as they told me. I feared pain and death. I believed if I did this or that or whatever, they wouldn’t consider ripping me apart and eating me. Like they did with whatever that thing was that they picked up. A hitch hiker. They tore it to pieces and ate it raw. They could have done that to me at any moment.
Perpetual fear. All the time.
Of course I began to accept the drugs. At least I could sleep. I didn’t know what was in them, only that they made me pliable and stopped the pain.
But that’s not all the worse things. I know when I finally snapped. Event horizon. Point of no return. The moment when I thought to myself, the second I’m free to do so, I’m going to end my life.
You know what they did? They blindfolded and gagged me, tied me up in the most compromising way possible so I couldn’t move then left me for passers buy to violate. I kept on screaming and when I couldn’t scream any more, they didn’t let me out. Oh no. They pulled my fangs out then covered the rest of my teeth in rubber. So I couldn’t harm anyone while they violated me in a different way. They only released me when I stopped breathing, my throat burning and sticky and horrible. Like the rest of me.
There was no reason for them to do any of that. They did it because they could. Some thought my suffering was so amusing, they wanted to do it again. I meant nothing. I was an object. I felt and still feel worthless, that I’m just a joke. And vok will tell me that I’m worth it and I have done great things and I bring joy to others. I don’t care. I just want to sleep and forget that all of this happened.
After that, everything changed. I stopped fighting completely. I would have rather been torn apart and eaten alive. The drugs. The mind control. Giving away secrets. Sleeping with the Empress herself. I started doing all of that willingly, drugged but somewhat willingly, all out of fear.
Of course all of you in here know I’m suicidal and you’ve taken everything away from me so I don’t kill myself. You’re sworn to make me better. It’s your job. You’re not allowed to let me end myself. Or do it for me. I heard what you said when you spoke to my brother. That you wanted to put a bullet in my skull. Please, do.
I have no dignity left. No honour. No nothing. The only way you can save me is if you wipe all my memories and let me start again. But you’re not allowed to do that either. At the very least, let me go, unhealed injuries and all, let me say goodbye to the vok I care about and let me end my own life.
What really happened will be discovered soon enough. All my suffering, all my agony, the universe will find out. You can try and hide it all behind patient confidentiality all you like, a Ksa’s life is part of the public domain and I belong to everyone. The universe will see it all. I don’t want to be around when that happens.
Let me sleep.
Please.
Doctor’s note: You have no idea how tempting it was to cave in and give the patient what he wanted. If this is what really happened, I am struggling to see how the patient can ever be properly brought back to society. Ideally, a six month memory eraser would help greatly with his suffering but because of his Ksa status, it will be a legal issue trying to get him one.
For now, any and all medical procedures will be done under a general anesthetic, while psychiatrists try and work on his mental health.